But they that wait upon the Lord shall
renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run,
and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Simply put, Isaiah 40:31 says that those
who wait upon the Lord shall renew their energy by empowering themselves to
fly. Then they will fly andwill ensure
no challenge keeps them from going higher. When a plane wants to fly, it will
taxi before take-off. When an eagle wants to soar, it positions itself to gather
momentum before take-off. Mother eagles prepare baby eagles by flying with them
then they graduate to throwing and catching them until their wings are strong enough to fly on their
own.
Waiting is not a punishment but a phase to
prepare you and test your capability and capacity for the blessing ahead. I
waited 10 years after my bachelor’s degree to receive a master’s degree.About 7 years into my wait, a magazine that I
started to publish during my wait gained me admission into my Master’s program.
My Mum attended the wedding of her principal's daughter in 2012. The bride was
52 years old and had never been married. On October 13, 2010 Esther Folashade
Aduke Blaize married William Folorunso Kumuyi. This was her first marriage at
65.
No matter the wait (the bus stop) you
believe you are stranded at, continue impacting lives. A colleague shared an
inspiring story of a time when she waited at the bus stop, but would later find
that the delayed bus and her long wait enabled her help a blind boy who had
been waiting much longer forsomeone to
help him cross the road. Her wait was a solution to the boy’s wait. While you
are waiting for that spouse, be sensitive to your environment and
follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. When
your celebration bus arrives, be ready to board.
Take Home Lesson: Waiting is a time of
preparation. Are you prepared if your future spouse should come today?
Homework:Pray for grace and strength to prepare for what God has in store for
you.
Omolola Omoteso is a minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others. She is the host of Divine Connection and Chair for DC HOMES, an annual gathering for singles.
This article was first published in eTeachit, a daily devotional.
Motunrayo Alaka, an
advocate for investigative journalism, once posted an article that points to
many now asking Google for everything. I won’t be surprised if you got to this
link by googling, “Why am I not married?”
This is a question that
many singles shy away from in public but one they ask privately and tearfully.
A question I had to answer in my quest for marriage.
A young man in his late
20s told me how his income was hardly enough to sustain him and how try as he
may, he cannot seem to settle into marriage. Further counsel revealed that he
was living far above his income. He was also spending a lot to gratify his girlfriend
and sexual partners instead of planning for a home and signing into marriage
with the one he loves. The reason he isn't "settled" is not far fetched.
A woman in her early 30s
told me how her company was going through a hard time and how her dad threw the
family into turmoil by jetting off with other women. Further counsel revealed
that she was afraid of stepping out in faith to explore other job options and
her dad's behaviour left her with the fear of men which became the genesis of
disappointments. The reason she isn't married is not far fetched.
After struggling with the thoughts of being single for life, a woman answered her call to a life of missions and found joy in touching the lives of children God sent her way. I stayed single for a long
time because what I wanted was not reachable and what was reachable was not
desired. Where was the will of God in why I remained single? It was not God's will that I remained single but as I stretched for my will, God's will became more and more alien to me. Peace was restored to my marital journey when I trusted God. Remaining single may be
God-ordained for some but for many, it is self inflicted.
"Why am I not
married?" is a question which when sincerely answered can uncover the veil
that may be preventing you from embarking on the marital journey truthfully and
continuing beyond the altar.
Many of those who are
married had to compromise one thing or the other – height, weight, profession,
complexion, pay packet, tribe, qualification, class, age etc.
1st Peter 1 gives a good picture of God's expectation. Verse 5 says "Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." Holding up your faith is a requirement for connecting to an earthly mate. Verse 13 and 24 points out: "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ… For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away." Verse 25 nails it "But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you."
When answers do not come to
this age old question we begin a cycle of frustration that has seen many getting
married to evil mates. At the end of the day, neither marriage nor singleness would endure. Only the word of God.
Dear brethren and friends,
why are you not married? If you married in your late 20s or 30s, 40s, 50s... What
delayed your marital bliss? Sharing may be all you need to set yourself free and open the freeway for others as well.
Mrs. Omolola is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.
In every crisis or
trauma, the first response is usually silence followed by sighing, sitting with
a forlorn or lost look, crying or wailing depending on how close the person is
and how the news is broken to us. In my culture, people would usually send an elderly
person or pastor to break the news in one’s home and in the presence of others
so as to mellow down the initial reaction.
I was shocked recently
to learn that a Pastor who called to request my husband’s mobile number
actually called him at the office to break the news of his friend’s death. This
is never done and I expected that the Pastor should have been a better
counsellor. I would have regretted my decision to give him his number if
anything went wrong considering his state of health at the time, which no doubt
has an impact on how he would receive news of death.
The Complete Guide to
Crisis and Trauma Counseling provides many
examples of crisis and trauma and biblical principles that can aid in times of
counselling those experiencing crisis, trauma especially where related to loss
and death. According to the book, “Death is the permanent, irreversible
cessation of the vital functions of the body”. Hebrews 9:27 say, “And as
it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”. As
Christians we must recognise that death is the final end of all living things
and it is followed by judgment. If you do not believe in judgement, you at
least know death is inevitable.
Being able to accept
and handle my own feelings of mortality has gone a long way to position me to
counsel others; what still remains challenging is counselling those with
terminal illness. I have noticed that I am more comfortable with counselling
them to expect healing rather than counselling them to accept death.
An adage in Nigeria
when translated says, “The dead mourn the dead, the mourners mourn themselves”.
This we use to remind ourselves that death is a sacrifice we all owe; timing
and season is what differs. I was at the point the man diagnosed with cancer in
Chapter 12 was at some point. My very close friend died in an accident and I
found myself questioning the existence of God. I came close to backsliding but
the Word of God became my pullback factor. God brought me to see that all He
did was call him home; still I questioned why it had to happen in such a
painful way – car accident. God took me through Bible passages that showed that
sacrifices are seldom painless – the death of Jesus, His Only Begotten Son, was
painful and so was the death of John the Baptist, his trailblazer and many
disciples but the pain was exchanged with gain as they transited into God’s
glory.
When dealing with the
crisis of death, we need to answer a number of questions and look at the nature
of death – sudden or anticipated. How, when, why, where and what led to the
person’s death will go a long way to position you, especially if you are a
counsellor, to provide adequate and appropriate counseling. As counsellors, or
those in the area of the person's influence, we must lead the bereaved to
accept the past and chart a new course with God as The Chief Pilot. As the
bereaved bridges the past, the bereaved should learn to change terminologies
e.g. ‘I’ instead of ‘we’, ‘me’ instead of ‘us’ etc. But you father or mother
never becomes “late”, he or she remains a part of your life. A wife or husband
though departed, remains part of your story, never feel guilty about what you
had – good or bad. Fix what you can and chart a new cause.
Death due to natural
disasters (earthquakes, tornadoes, etc.) are better handled than human events
or preventable deaths (accidents, fire, homicide etc.) because natural
disasters are not due to human errors and no one can be blamed. Suicide is the
most difficult to deal with because the deceased made the choice to die.
Another difficult
death is the death of a spouse or partner; it changes the identity, sense of
self and security of the one left behind depending especially on how close they
were. The experience will include fear of being alone, reality of one’s
mortality, sickness (from not eating or not having enough sleep), identity
crisis (from loss of status or change in title) etc. The bereaved should
“work on being a better parent, rather than to attempt to fulfill both roles”.
We must counsel the bereaved to know that some decisions would have to wait
till the intensity of his/her emotions abate. The bereaved should be mindful
about how to handle conflicts over living will and possessions. The bereaved
should also consider going out alone instead of cancelling all invitations to
“Mr. and Mrs.” Other things the bereaved can do includes, re-decorating the
house (I am presently counseling a guy that lost his wife a couple of years
ago; his late wife’s image remains his profile picture on Facebook), finding
new individual interests, getting a job. By developing new roles, the
bereaved can operate independently and cope better with
death. Establishing memorial projects could help you focus more on keeping
the person's memory alive in a positive way that encourages others to share the
joy of knowing the person instead of the grief of losing the person.
Regardless of the
manner of death, ministering to the bereaved is an assignment that can go on
for years. The bereaved must be supported with prayers, counselling and in
other tangible ways – phone calls, greeting cards, visits, meals, groceries,
etc. If you are a member of a local church, you can help the church
develop a programme where families commit to supporting those
bereaved for 2 months each. In my opinion this will ensure that no family
suffers burnout from supporting the bereaved.
A story made rounds
via the internet sometimes ago of a man that met Mr. Death; Death told him he
has come to take 100 people. So, the man went round town telling people to be
careful as Death was on a mission to kill. At the close of day, he learned that
1000 people had died so when he met Death on his way home, he asked why he had
lied to him. Death said, “I killed 100 but fear of death killed 900”. This
fictional story corroborates what Robert Burther said, “The fear of death is
worse than death”.
I have been fortunate
not to lose any member of my nuclear family. But as I counsel friends who have,
I find myself asking who will go first and how; will it be according to age
etc. *[Now I know!] Each
time I take solace in asking God to keep His protective cover over us all and
let his promise of long life manifest in our lives. But I am brought face to
face with purpose and destiny; Jesus at 33 had to pay the price of death in
fulfillment of His purpose as The Saviour. So, I pray more for the fulfillment
of purpose and encourage those close to me to touch lives as I figure out that
I can cope better if I know that, short or long, the life served God’s purpose.
In preparation, I also
ensure that instead of abandonment, I provide the necessary care to ailing
loved ones; this is to forestall the feeling of guilt when a loved one
dies. Whether you are in paid employment or not, it is important
to commit to supporting loved ones especially parents, within the limits of
your resources. Ensure you meet the needs of your parents, siblings, close
friends (especially those less fortunate than you) and spend time with those
close to you.
A number of things that can be done at the time of grief includes beginning
where the bereaved person is, clarifying expressed feelings, empathising,
encouraging, being sensitive to the feelings of the bereaved and giving
reasonable assurances. A positive way to journey through grief with a friend
isn't calling to say congratulations or asking where the party is happening or
expecting a bereaved to attend your wedding happening when he or she is still
grieving.
We must learn to point the bereaved to God. It is God that allowed (not
orchestrated) the death and only God can comfort the bereaved beyond what any
human can do. Expecting death does not free one from the grief of death; the
disciples of Jesus refused to prepare for His death and even Jesus tried to
upturn God’s decision. The experience of the person expecting death (in the
case of a terminal ailment) or those around him/her may include denial and
isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Your
ministry to the terminally ill should be that of being a listener. Simple
reflection, a touch and a listening hear will minister and speak volumes.
There are four basic stages in anticipating grief: depression, heightened
concern for the ill or dying person, rehearsal of the person’s death and
adjustments to the consequence of the death. As you walk others through these
stages, let 2nd Corinthians 1:3-4 be your watchword,
"Blessed be God, even the Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation,
that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort
wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." It's not an easy road,
but God is able to help you to walk you or others through.
Mrs. Omolola Omoteso is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words
for the healing of others. This article was first written in 08.2012
On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court in New Jersey to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below is part two of the transcript of my ministration. If you are yet to read part one, please proceed there via this link.
So, what are the 5
love languages?
a)Words
of Affirmation. What is word of affirmation? Bingo, you are so dumb, I can’t
believe you just did that. How do you think a man will receive those hurtful
words? Verbal compliments, kind and humble words, motivation and encouragement
go a long way. “Sweet heart, I am so proud of you!” How will a man receive
that? To provide the right words you must be willing to empathise and see the
world from your man’s perspective. Learn what is important to him and encourage
him. When a man takes the wrong exit is not the time to say, there you go
again; you never get it right! Ouch; that hurts. Yesterday’s failures can be
handled by affirming our man. Words of affirmation are powerful means of
restoring love and intimacy.
b)Quality
Time. What is quality time? How can you invest quality time with your spouse?
I’ll give an example. We recently went on a trip, though I had a number of
assignments, I decided to leave my laptop at home. If I had taken my laptop, I
would have spent more time on it that with him. In giving up my laptop, I
gained much; for the first two days he did not even turn on the television!
Quality time mean time spent focused on your man and your man alone; no laptop,
no television, no mobile phone, no children; just you and him. Imagine you
picking a call while having sex? It just breaks the rhythm and may even stop
the flow. Ouch! Switch off your phone, leave it at home when heading out for
dinner, take a walk; the simple things of life done with your man can energise
your love life. Pastor Mrs. preached about the Table Principle, something I
have always done in my home even before I got married. The very first thing I
got after I got married was a dining set! Guess what, the hardest of men will
listen after a great meal. Even if you have eaten before he arrives, just sit
with him and watch him eat; you’d be amazed at how attentive he’ll be during
discussion that follow. What activities can you engage in that would make your
quality time truly special?
c)Receiving
Gift. No matter how well you spell I love you, some men will never understand
until you say it with gift. Set of nice boxers, a mug, lunch on you, roses etc.
are great expressions of love. To speak this language you may look at his needs
and meet them, like his shirts are fraying, go ahead and order new ones; don’t
wait till it is his birthday to express your love the way he will understand.
If he loves home food for lunch, buy a lunch bag; he will proudly carry it like
a schoolboy because you gave it to him. If he loves tea, buy a nice travel jug.
My first gift to Temi was a travel mug; I noticed that the one he had was
coloured with coffee so during a grocery shopping in Michigan, on my way from
the bathroom, I bought and paid for this really nice travel mug; he hasn’t
stopped using it EVERYDAY. Your gift is an investment in your man’s love tank
because if his love tank his full with the right fuel, he will cruise your
marriage in top love speed!
d)Acts
of Service. Love is a verb and there is no better way to express it by serving
your husband. Pick up his mails, lay the bed, iron his clothes, take the car to
the car wash, set the table, don’t just cook like the food is for a pauper,
treat him like royalty because if he feels kingly, he’ll treat you queenly! We
recently hosted Pastor Prof; my husband’s car which we decided to drive him to
church in was dirty and I couldn’t have a former attorney general ride in it so
I decided to wash the car but I said to myself, I want to honour his friend by
ensuring the car is clean, yet my husband was going to drive to church in my
own equally dirty car. What do you think I did? I washed both cars! Other men
shouldn’t receive better honour from us than what we give our husbands. I am
not asking you to become a slave; when my husband took ill, I ironed his
clothes but usually he does it and even offers to do mine. If you sir the pastor,
sir your man. If you’ll set the table for Obama, set it for your prince
charming. Never use the act of service to manipulate him; if you want me to
cook for you then you have to be home by 6PM, when we are going to eat.
Policewoman, take it easy, your man is your leader; treat him right.
e)Physical
Touch. I don’t need to ask us to define this. But it doesn’t only have to mean
sex. Hold hands, touch his face, stroke his hands… If this is your husband’s
love dialect be prepared to speak it publicly and privately; snuggle up to him,
hug him, give him a shoulder rub, touch your nose to his, kiss him, pat him on
the back. If this means sex every day or every other day ask God for energy. If
you think it has crossed the line from dialect to obsession, pray about it.
Many men and women will forgive their spouses for falling in love with others
as long as physical touch or sexual intimacy is not involved but because this
cuts through all others, the sacrifice of giving yourself to someone else is
one most men seldom forgive or forget. We can relate this to God, He sacrificed
His best for us and directs that no other sacrifice is necessary, no other
worship is allowed; it must be God and God alone. So if you have just this one
man, you better learn how He loves to be touched and touch him EVERYWHERE to
your delight. Non-sexual touch can be a powerful communicator especially in
times of crisis, grief and disappointment. When Clinton was roped in sexual
scandal, they may not have been able to resume sexual intercourse but the fact
that Hillary still found the courage to hold his hands expressed deeper meaning
and gave Bill the courage to repent and retrace his steps. Many men have become
lost forever because we CUT OFF at the sound of another woman. When he is
traveling, hug him and whisper in his ears, “I’ll keep myself for you, I trust
you to do the same.” If a woman winks at him, he will return home to tell you.
Your
man has one of the above as his love dialect but may actually speak two or
more. As you learn his primary love language and speak it in the dialect he
understands, teach him yours. If yours is gift, suggest what you want, if
service, make a request, if affirmation tell him. When I first learned about
love languages, I wondered why mine was not featured because I have always
considered communication as my love language. But I realized that mine is the
basis on which all these 5 rests. On cursory look, I realized that
communication could be classed under quality time. If you can’t sniff out your
husband’s love language by analysing the 5 and deciding his preferred love
language, ask him; how would you best understand that I love you? If he says,
if we have sex daily, then you’d know his love language is physical touch and
as you give this in and out of bed, there will be lesser need for daily sexual
intercourse. Then tell him yours; tell him how you prefer to be touched, share
your expectation in terms of quality time and words of affirmation.
Love
is a choice; even if you were forced on him or he on you, in staying married,
you made a choice. You owe it to yourself to remain married joyously. Pour your
all into your man and develop him to your taste. To have joy, real joy, you
must position yourself prayerfully to deal with hurt, anger and resentment to
avoid repressing them until when they would have become wolves capable of
destroying your tender loving grapes.
Let’s look at Luke 6:38 ”Give, and it shall be given unto you; good
measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give
into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be
measured to you again”. The measure you give, is what will be measured to you.
If you speak the language of love in your husband’s dialect, be rest assured he
would pleasantly learn yours and speak to you in good measure.
In
marriage, we desire to feel special and significant and speaking the
appropriate love language can meet both needs but we must take the first step
by unlocking the key to renewing and energising love.
Before
we pray please listen to this poem God led me t post on Facebook:
Dear Lord, I need a nice black velvet dress with a lovely set of
jewelry. While you are at it, please remember to throw in a dinner purse and
high heel shoes to match! Soon. God, with all these things, will I now attend
that award dinner in a bus! Soon. But God, this man that offered to give me a
ride is damn ugly; couldn’t you have given me my own car? Soon. O Lord! I know
I asked for a car but definitely not two doors (yeri n’beto)! Soon. O God, this
accord is so hot; all my colleagues have their windows wound up. Soon. But God,
if you decided to give me air con, why not in a jeep! Soon. (In tears) Lovely
ride, but for how long will I have to drive without company. Soon. God, I asked
you for company but definitely not for an overbearing company driver. Soon. I
have been driving alone all day; the Bible says two are better than one. Soon.
What a lovely wedding, this man you gave me just messed everything up with his
clumsy dance steps. Soon. I can live with his dance but definitely not his late
nights and being too tired to get it up. Soon. (After he bought a house and
they moved in) God! What is the essence of a big house without children; all my
friends are done having children, will I now have to adopt? Soon. My Lord and
my Saviour, I was so sure you’ll do it, only I asked you for a set of twins, a
boy and a girl. Soon. Lord! You know I will be disinherited if I don’t have a
male child. Soon. My God! But I never asked you for a sick male child; do I now
have to spend all my life at the hospital? (God stood up and said) Insatiable
being! When will you pause to give me worship for your breath?
Dear Sisters, God gave you a good man, your love can make him shine!
Prayer
Points:
Father thank you for my man.
Lord, teach me your undiluted unconditional
love?
Lord help me to speak my husband’s love
language in love?
Lord teach my husband my love language and
help him to speak it?
Lord, bind our home with your unbreakable
cords of love?
As we close, let's share this song, "Love in any language" by Sandi Pattie.
