5 Love Languages (Part 2)

On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court in New Jersey to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below is part two of the transcript of my ministration. If you are yet to read part one, please proceed there via this link.

So, what are the 5 love languages?

a)    Words of Affirmation. What is word of affirmation? Bingo, you are so dumb, I can’t believe you just did that. How do you think a man will receive those hurtful words? Verbal compliments, kind and humble words, motivation and encouragement go a long way. “Sweet heart, I am so proud of you!” How will a man receive that? To provide the right words you must be willing to empathise and see the world from your man’s perspective. Learn what is important to him and encourage him. When a man takes the wrong exit is not the time to say, there you go again; you never get it right! Ouch; that hurts. Yesterday’s failures can be handled by affirming our man. Words of affirmation are powerful means of restoring love and intimacy.

b)    Quality Time. What is quality time? How can you invest quality time with your spouse? I’ll give an example. We recently went on a trip, though I had a number of assignments, I decided to leave my laptop at home. If I had taken my laptop, I would have spent more time on it that with him. In giving up my laptop, I gained much; for the first two days he did not even turn on the television! Quality time mean time spent focused on your man and your man alone; no laptop, no television, no mobile phone, no children; just you and him. Imagine you picking a call while having sex? It just breaks the rhythm and may even stop the flow. Ouch! Switch off your phone, leave it at home when heading out for dinner, take a walk; the simple things of life done with your man can energise your love life. Pastor Mrs. preached about the Table Principle, something I have always done in my home even before I got married. The very first thing I got after I got married was a dining set! Guess what, the hardest of men will listen after a great meal. Even if you have eaten before he arrives, just sit with him and watch him eat; you’d be amazed at how attentive he’ll be during discussion that follow. What activities can you engage in that would make your quality time truly special?

c)     Receiving Gift. No matter how well you spell I love you, some men will never understand until you say it with gift. Set of nice boxers, a mug, lunch on you, roses etc. are great expressions of love. To speak this language you may look at his needs and meet them, like his shirts are fraying, go ahead and order new ones; don’t wait till it is his birthday to express your love the way he will understand. If he loves home food for lunch, buy a lunch bag; he will proudly carry it like a schoolboy because you gave it to him. If he loves tea, buy a nice travel jug. My first gift to Temi was a travel mug; I noticed that the one he had was coloured with coffee so during a grocery shopping in Michigan, on my way from the bathroom, I bought and paid for this really nice travel mug; he hasn’t stopped using it EVERYDAY. Your gift is an investment in your man’s love tank because if his love tank his full with the right fuel, he will cruise your marriage in top love speed!

d)    Acts of Service. Love is a verb and there is no better way to express it by serving your husband. Pick up his mails, lay the bed, iron his clothes, take the car to the car wash, set the table, don’t just cook like the food is for a pauper, treat him like royalty because if he feels kingly, he’ll treat you queenly! We recently hosted Pastor Prof; my husband’s car which we decided to drive him to church in was dirty and I couldn’t have a former attorney general ride in it so I decided to wash the car but I said to myself, I want to honour his friend by ensuring the car is clean, yet my husband was going to drive to church in my own equally dirty car. What do you think I did? I washed both cars! Other men shouldn’t receive better honour from us than what we give our husbands. I am not asking you to become a slave; when my husband took ill, I ironed his clothes but usually he does it and even offers to do mine. If you sir the pastor, sir your man. If you’ll set the table for Obama, set it for your prince charming. Never use the act of service to manipulate him; if you want me to cook for you then you have to be home by 6PM, when we are going to eat. Policewoman, take it easy, your man is your leader; treat him right.

e)     Physical Touch. I don’t need to ask us to define this. But it doesn’t only have to mean sex. Hold hands, touch his face, stroke his hands… If this is your husband’s love dialect be prepared to speak it publicly and privately; snuggle up to him, hug him, give him a shoulder rub, touch your nose to his, kiss him, pat him on the back. If this means sex every day or every other day ask God for energy. If you think it has crossed the line from dialect to obsession, pray about it. Many men and women will forgive their spouses for falling in love with others as long as physical touch or sexual intimacy is not involved but because this cuts through all others, the sacrifice of giving yourself to someone else is one most men seldom forgive or forget. We can relate this to God, He sacrificed His best for us and directs that no other sacrifice is necessary, no other worship is allowed; it must be God and God alone. So if you have just this one man, you better learn how He loves to be touched and touch him EVERYWHERE to your delight. Non-sexual touch can be a powerful communicator especially in times of crisis, grief and disappointment. When Clinton was roped in sexual scandal, they may not have been able to resume sexual intercourse but the fact that Hillary still found the courage to hold his hands expressed deeper meaning and gave Bill the courage to repent and retrace his steps. Many men have become lost forever because we CUT OFF at the sound of another woman. When he is traveling, hug him and whisper in his ears, “I’ll keep myself for you, I trust you to do the same.” If a woman winks at him, he will return home to tell you.

Your man has one of the above as his love dialect but may actually speak two or more. As you learn his primary love language and speak it in the dialect he understands, teach him yours. If yours is gift, suggest what you want, if service, make a request, if affirmation tell him. When I first learned about love languages, I wondered why mine was not featured because I have always considered communication as my love language. But I realized that mine is the basis on which all these 5 rests. On cursory look, I realized that communication could be classed under quality time. If you can’t sniff out your husband’s love language by analysing the 5 and deciding his preferred love language, ask him; how would you best understand that I love you? If he says, if we have sex daily, then you’d know his love language is physical touch and as you give this in and out of bed, there will be lesser need for daily sexual intercourse. Then tell him yours; tell him how you prefer to be touched, share your expectation in terms of quality time and words of affirmation.

Love is a choice; even if you were forced on him or he on you, in staying married, you made a choice. You owe it to yourself to remain married joyously. Pour your all into your man and develop him to your taste. To have joy, real joy, you must position yourself prayerfully to deal with hurt, anger and resentment to avoid repressing them until when they would have become wolves capable of destroying your tender loving grapes.

Let’s look at Luke 6:38 ”Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again”. The measure you give, is what will be measured to you. If you speak the language of love in your husband’s dialect, be rest assured he would pleasantly learn yours and speak to you in good measure.

In marriage, we desire to feel special and significant and speaking the appropriate love language can meet both needs but we must take the first step by unlocking the key to renewing and energising love.

Before we pray please listen to this poem God led me t post on Facebook:

Dear Lord, I need a nice black velvet dress with a lovely set of jewelry. While you are at it, please remember to throw in a dinner purse and high heel shoes to match! Soon. God, with all these things, will I now attend that award dinner in a bus! Soon. But God, this man that offered to give me a ride is damn ugly; couldn’t you have given me my own car? Soon. O Lord! I know I asked for a car but definitely not two doors (yeri n’beto)! Soon. O God, this accord is so hot; all my colleagues have their windows wound up. Soon. But God, if you decided to give me air con, why not in a jeep! Soon. (In tears) Lovely ride, but for how long will I have to drive without company. Soon. God, I asked you for company but definitely not for an overbearing company driver. Soon. I have been driving alone all day; the Bible says two are better than one. Soon. What a lovely wedding, this man you gave me just messed everything up with his clumsy dance steps. Soon. I can live with his dance but definitely not his late nights and being too tired to get it up. Soon. (After he bought a house and they moved in) God! What is the essence of a big house without children; all my friends are done having children, will I now have to adopt? Soon. My Lord and my Saviour, I was so sure you’ll do it, only I asked you for a set of twins, a boy and a girl. Soon. Lord! You know I will be disinherited if I don’t have a male child. Soon. My God! But I never asked you for a sick male child; do I now have to spend all my life at the hospital? (God stood up and said) Insatiable being! When will you pause to give me worship for your breath?

Dear Sisters, God gave you a good man, your love can make him shine!

Prayer Points:

1. Father thank you for my man.
2. Lord, teach me your undiluted unconditional love?
3. Lord help me to speak my husband’s love language in love?
4. Lord teach my husband my love language and help him to speak it?
5. Lord, bind our home with your unbreakable cords of love?

As we close, let's share this song, "Love in any language" by Sandi Pattie.

Chorus:

Love in any language

Straight from the heart

Pulls us all together, never apart

And once we learn to speak it

All the world will hear

Love in any language
Fluently spoken here