Journey through grief

In every crisis or trauma, the first response is usually silence followed by sighing, sitting with a forlorn or lost look, crying or wailing depending on how close the person is and how the news is broken to us. In my culture, people would usually send an elderly person or pastor to break the news in one’s home and in the presence of others so as to mellow down the initial reaction.

I was shocked recently to learn that a Pastor who called to request my husband’s mobile number actually called him at the office to break the news of his friend’s death. This is never done and I expected that the Pastor should have been a better counsellor. I would have regretted my decision to give him his number if anything went wrong considering his state of health at the time, which no doubt has an impact on how he would receive news of death. 

The Complete Guide to Crisis and Trauma Counseling provides many examples of crisis and trauma and biblical principles that can aid in times of counselling those experiencing crisis, trauma especially where related to loss and death. According to the book, “Death is the permanent, irreversible cessation of the vital functions of the body”. Hebrews 9:27 say, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”. As Christians we must recognise that death is the final end of all living things and it is followed by judgment. If you do not believe in judgement, you at least know death is inevitable.

Being able to accept and handle my own feelings of mortality has gone a long way to position me to counsel others; what still remains challenging is counselling those with terminal illness. I have noticed that I am more comfortable with counselling them to expect healing rather than counselling them to accept death.

An adage in Nigeria when translated says, “The dead mourn the dead, the mourners mourn themselves”. This we use to remind ourselves that death is a sacrifice we all owe; timing and season is what differs. I was at the point the man diagnosed with cancer in Chapter 12 was at some point. My very close friend died in an accident and I found myself questioning the existence of God. I came close to backsliding but the Word of God became my pullback factor. God brought me to see that all He did was call him home; still I questioned why it had to happen in such a painful way – car accident. God took me through Bible passages that showed that sacrifices are seldom painless – the death of Jesus, His Only Begotten Son, was painful and so was the death of John the Baptist, his trailblazer and many disciples but the pain was exchanged with gain as they transited into God’s glory. 

When dealing with the crisis of death, we need to answer a number of questions and look at the nature of death – sudden or anticipated. How, when, why, where and what led to the person’s death will go a long way to position you, especially if you are a counsellor, to provide adequate and appropriate counseling. As counsellors, or those in the area of the person's influence, we must lead the bereaved to accept the past and chart a new course with God as The Chief Pilot. As the bereaved bridges the past, the bereaved should learn to change terminologies e.g. ‘I’ instead of ‘we’, ‘me’ instead of ‘us’ etc. But you father or mother never becomes “late”, he or she remains a part of your life. A wife or husband though departed, remains part of your story, never feel guilty about what you had – good or bad. Fix what you can and chart a new cause.

Death due to natural disasters (earthquakes, tornadoes, etc.) are better handled than human events or preventable deaths (accidents, fire, homicide etc.) because natural disasters are not due to human errors and no one can be blamed. Suicide is the most difficult to deal with because the deceased made the choice to die.

Another difficult death is the death of a spouse or partner; it changes the identity, sense of self and security of the one left behind depending especially on how close they were. The experience will include fear of being alone, reality of one’s mortality, sickness (from not eating or not having enough sleep), identity crisis (from loss of status or change in title) etc. The bereaved should “work on being a better parent, rather than to attempt to fulfill both roles”. We must counsel the bereaved to know that some decisions would have to wait till the intensity of his/her emotions abate. The bereaved should be mindful about how to handle conflicts over living will and possessions. The bereaved should also consider going out alone instead of cancelling all invitations to “Mr. and Mrs.” Other things the bereaved can do includes, re-decorating the house (I am presently counseling a guy that lost his wife a couple of years ago; his late wife’s image remains his profile picture on Facebook), finding new individual interests, getting a job. By developing new roles, the bereaved can operate independently and cope better with death. Establishing memorial projects could help you focus more on keeping the person's memory alive in a positive way that encourages others to share the joy of knowing the person instead of the grief of losing the person.

Regardless of the manner of death, ministering to the bereaved is an assignment that can go on for years. The bereaved must be supported with prayers, counselling and in other tangible ways – phone calls, greeting cards, visits, meals, groceries, etc. If you are a member of a local church, you can help the church develop a programme where families commit to supporting those bereaved for 2 months each. In my opinion this will ensure that no family suffers burnout from supporting the bereaved.

 

A story made rounds via the internet sometimes ago of a man that met Mr. Death; Death told him he has come to take 100 people. So, the man went round town telling people to be careful as Death was on a mission to kill. At the close of day, he learned that 1000 people had died so when he met Death on his way home, he asked why he had lied to him. Death said, “I killed 100 but fear of death killed 900”. This fictional story corroborates what Robert Burther said, “The fear of death is worse than death”. 

 

I have been fortunate not to lose any member of my nuclear family. But as I counsel friends who have, I find myself asking who will go first and how; will it be according to age etc. *[Now I know!] Each time I take solace in asking God to keep His protective cover over us all and let his promise of long life manifest in our lives. But I am brought face to face with purpose and destiny; Jesus at 33 had to pay the price of death in fulfillment of His purpose as The Saviour. So, I pray more for the fulfillment of purpose and encourage those close to me to touch lives as I figure out that I can cope better if I know that, short or long, the life served God’s purpose.

In preparation, I also ensure that instead of abandonment, I provide the necessary care to ailing loved ones; this is to forestall the feeling of guilt when a loved one dies. Whether you are in paid employment or not, it is important to commit to supporting loved ones especially parents, within the limits of your resources. Ensure you meet the needs of your parents, siblings, close friends (especially those less fortunate than you) and spend time with those close to you. 

A number of things that can be done at the time of grief includes beginning where the bereaved person is, clarifying expressed feelings, empathising, encouraging, being sensitive to the feelings of the bereaved and giving reasonable assurances. A positive way to journey through grief with a friend isn't calling to say congratulations or asking where the party is happening or expecting a bereaved to attend your wedding happening when he or she is still grieving. 

We must learn to point the bereaved to God. It is God that allowed (not orchestrated) the death and only God can comfort the bereaved beyond what any human can do. Expecting death does not free one from the grief of death; the disciples of Jesus refused to prepare for His death and even Jesus tried to upturn God’s decision. The experience of the person expecting death (in the case of a terminal ailment) or those around him/her may include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Your ministry to the terminally ill should be that of being a listener. Simple reflection, a touch and a listening hear will minister and speak volumes.

There are four basic stages in anticipating grief: depression, heightened concern for the ill or dying person, rehearsal of the person’s death and adjustments to the consequence of the death. As you walk others through these stages, let 2^nd Corinthians 1:3-4 be your watchword, "Blessed be God, even the Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." It's not an easy road, but God is able to help you to walk you or others through.

Mrs. Omolola Omoteso is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words

 for the healing of others. This article was first written in 08.2012