5 Love Languages

On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below (from second paragraph) is part one of the transcript of my ministration.

I love the song, "Love Lifted Me", members of my alumni group got caught in the web of my gmail signature - LLM. The loved it so much that most of them complained when I made the mistake of leaving this beautiful tagline out.

My name is Omolola the wife of Omoteso and the daughter of Odu-Famuyiwa. I have written two books that speak to some of the things we’ll be discussing today. The first is tiled What is wrong with us? Nuggets about mature singles. Pick it from the ushers, read it and sow it into mature singles around you. Those who have read it and can provide you with good reference. The second is a book I wrote for the most outstanding female minister in RCCG North America, Pastor Grace Okonrende; it is titled “Pillar of Strength” and Sis Elijah can provide the necessary reference.

Prayer: Lord as we learn at your feet, make our love tank genuinely full so that instead of running on frustration and depression, we can run on your love which passeth human understanding. In Jesus name we pray.

Today we’ll be sharing the theme 5 Love Languages.

I have a number of questions that would move the presentation along. We will answer them based on the number picked from the bowl that was passed round:

1. What language or languages do you speak?
2. Does your man speak the same language?

Speaking Ibo to a Yoruba woman, “Sister Kike, Bia ne ba.”  “Sister Marie, qui est ce c’est? Sister Kofo, me nine sunanka? Sister Rita, ki-gi-le-ge-fe-ge-se-ge-ni-gi-ogo-ningi? Sister Comfort, obrigado. Who understands all these languages? I actually made simple statements in Ibo, French, Hausa, Eno and Portugese but you couldn’t respond because I used languages other than yours. Sister Kike, please come. Sister Marie, what is it? Sister Kofo, what is your name? Sister Rita, what do you want to do today? Sister Comfort, thank you. Who still does not understand? We all do because we all speak English Language and I spoke just that to you now.

No matter how many languages we speak, we have one language we consider our primary language and others are our secondary languages. Even though I speak English fluently, my primary language is Yoruba so there’s usually an immediate attraction when you walk by me in a mall with a smile and say “E nle ma”. Because you have spoken my primary language, I light up immediately and respond in a way that meets your approval. Just as we have different languages, there are also different love languages. This brings me to my next question:

3. What is your primary love language?
4. What is your husband’s primary love language?
5. Do you speak the same primary love language as your husband?

For me a wet towel spells I love you but for my husband a dry towel spells I love you. That obviously means we don’t speak the same love language so if care is not taken we will end up hurting each other simply because what makes me feel loved makes him feel unloved. Before we go into that, let’s look at how The Almighty spoke His love to us.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world…” Romans 5:8, “But God commendeth [demonstrated] his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” So, what love language did Jesus speak to us in giving us His son?

1. How did God act his love? By sending his son to serve us
2. What did God give? He gave us a priceless gift
3. Did we feel his love? His touched us, we felt it because his spirit lives with us
4. How did He affirm His love? He affirmed his love by stating it in His Word
5. What is the value? He gave us quality, his first born

Let’s quickly look at why women marry. Women marry for three different reasons:

• God’s Will – This means you may not even love the guy but you said yes because you heard God or because you decided to listen to someone who claim to have heard God. Though this is referred to as perfect will, it may not start out as being perfect.
• Permissive Will – This means God may not be happy but because it is permitted, either because you are pregnant for him, your parents believe he is right for you, you have been dating him for long, he has proven that he loves you beyond all reasonable doubt; you go ahead and sign up.
• Self Will – This means that even though every other person may not accept your choice, you believe this is right for you and you go straight ahead.

No matter what the situation is, I want to assure you that if God saw you to it, He is able to see you through it. So, that it was not God’s will or your parents will should not be reason to sign into misery. Genesis 1:28 say “And God blessed them.” And Proverbs 18:22 say, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord”. How many favoured women are here today? You are favoured because you were found by a man.

What does cars run on? Every car runs on fuel. No matter how you got into marriage, there is only one thing that can keep your marriage running. There is a tagline that says America runs on Dunkin but guess what marriage runs on? (Wait for answers) Love. This brings me to my next question:

6. What happened to the love you had before marriage after marriage?
7. Is your love tank full, low, empty or drained?

Because God so loved the world, he gave. So if Omolola so loved Adebola she has to give something and keep giving. But how can she keep giving without experiencing burn out? This leads us to the next question:

8. Why do women experience burn out?
9. Why don’t we experience burn out in our love relationship with God?

Our love relationship with God is mutually exclusive and mutually beneficial. The relationship is strictly between two people. God loves the world but He died for me and I recognize Him as my personal savior. I never try to do God’s job like deciding to manufacture my own air so I can run on my own oxygen. In like manner, God let me do my part, which is returning His love in the form of worship and trying in no way to share His glory. He is the boss and I recognize that. The relationship runs on love and respect. But to get more I must continue to learn better ways to worship Him, communicate with Him and celebrate Him.

How frustrating would it be if God understands only French and we decide to speak German, Swahili or Ibibio to him? But that is God; He is All-Knowing. Unlike God, our men have a primary love language and for effective communication we must speak to them not in our own primary language but in theirs. If I speak to Sister Marie in Yoruba, she will start out being confused, then frustrated, then angry; she may end up walking out on me. That is what happens when we continue to speak to our men in the love language they do not understand.

I speak Eno but if I decide to speak it to my husband I will succeed in frustrating him. Let me paint a scenario that happened during our quiet time. I mentioned to you that my primary language is Yoruba and I assumed before marriage that this is my husband’s primary language. Imagine my shock when I decided to pray in Yoruba and my husband waited till the end of the long prayer to say Amen, instead of Amin. I love it, I speak it and because he is a Yoruba man I expect that this should be his primary love language but if it is not, should I compel him to speak because I speak or should I out of love, speak to him in his own primary language?

Today most Bibles are written in English but if Jesus spoke English to the Jews, He may never have been able to communicate the gospel.

To communicate your gospel of love according to Ihuoma, you must speak not Ihuoma’s love language but Victor’s love language. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 9:20-22, “And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

10. Can someone tell us the different kinds of petrol or gas that different types of cars run on? (Leaded, Unleaded, Regular)
11.  Can Toyota run on kerosene?
12.  How can you best learn the petrol or gas your vehicle runs on?

As we have discussed, marriages run on love but you must understand the kind of love your man runs on. Which takes us to the 5 love languages by Jay Adams. These languages unlike regular languages speak to what your man needs. Some men who normally don’t like to wear Ankara and all that, now that we are in the USA, they try to wear it, to remain in touch with culture. When a man does not get his love language need met at home, he goes in search of someone who understands and can speak his language which explains why a man can have a woman with whom he just wants to sit and talk. He desires to spend time with his woman but she never has time so he develops a friendship through which his need is met. Unfortunately the woman’s need may be gifts so he showers her with this in exchange for her fulfilling his love need.

God wants us to bring gifts to his house, pay tithe, fellowship with others, separate ourselves from sin but His primary desire His the need that drove Him to create us which is worship. God wants many things from us but these things become unacceptable when we don’t give Him worship. God will keep calling out to you for worship but when you become adamant, He will leave. In like manner, your man’s language stem from the desire that drove him to marry you but be mindful, because he is human, his language may change with the environment. 

Please see 5 Love Languages (Part 2) for the concluding transcript. God bless you.