Why am I not married?

Motunrayo Alaka, an advocate for investigative journalism, once posted an article that points to many now asking Google for everything. I won’t be surprised if you got to this link by googling, “Why am I not married?”

This is a question that many singles shy away from in public but one they ask privately and tearfully. A question I had to answer in my quest for marriage.

A young man in his late 20s told me how his income was hardly enough to sustain him and how try as he may, he cannot seem to settle into marriage. Further counsel revealed that he was living far above his income. He was also spending a lot to gratify his girlfriend and sexual partners instead of planning for a home and signing into marriage with the one he loves. The reason he isn't "settled" is not far fetched.

A woman in her early 30s told me how her company was going through a hard time and how her dad threw the family into turmoil by jetting off with other women. Further counsel revealed that she was afraid of stepping out in faith to explore other job options and her dad's behaviour left her with the fear of men which became the genesis of disappointments. The reason she isn't married is not far fetched.

After struggling with the thoughts of being single for life, a woman answered her call to a life of missions and found joy in touching the lives of children God sent her way.

I stayed single for a long time because what I wanted was not reachable and what was reachable was not desired. Where was the will of God in why I remained single? It was not God's will that I remained single but as I stretched for my will, God's will became more and more alien to me. Peace was restored to my marital journey when I trusted God. Remaining single may be God-ordained for some but for many, it is self inflicted. 

"Why am I not married?" is a question which when sincerely answered can uncover the veil that may be preventing you from embarking on the marital journey truthfully and continuing beyond the altar.

Many of those who are married had to compromise one thing or the other – height, weight, profession, complexion, pay packet, tribe, qualification, class, age etc.

1st Peter 1 gives a good picture of God's expectation. Verse 5 says "Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." Holding up your faith is a requirement for connecting to an earthly mate. Verse 13 and 24 points out: "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ… For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away." Verse 25 nails it "But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you."

When answers do not come to this age old question we begin a cycle of frustration that has seen many getting married to evil mates. At the end of the day, neither marriage nor singleness would endure. Only the word of God.

Dear brethren and friends, why are you not married? If you married in your late 20s or 30s, 40s, 50s... What delayed your marital bliss? Sharing may be all you need to set yourself free and open the freeway for others as well.

Mrs. Omolola is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.

5 Love Languages

On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below (from second paragraph) is part one of the transcript of my ministration.

I love the song, "Love Lifted Me", members of my alumni group got caught in the web of my gmail signature - LLM. The loved it so much that most of them complained when I made the mistake of leaving this beautiful tagline out.

My name is Omolola the wife of Omoteso and the daughter of Odu-Famuyiwa. I have written two books that speak to some of the things we’ll be discussing today. The first is tiled What is wrong with us? Nuggets about mature singles. Pick it from the ushers, read it and sow it into mature singles around you. Those who have read it and can provide you with good reference. The second is a book I wrote for the most outstanding female minister in RCCG North America, Pastor Grace Okonrende; it is titled “Pillar of Strength” and Sis Elijah can provide the necessary reference.

Prayer: Lord as we learn at your feet, make our love tank genuinely full so that instead of running on frustration and depression, we can run on your love which passeth human understanding. In Jesus name we pray.

Today we’ll be sharing the theme 5 Love Languages.

I have a number of questions that would move the presentation along. We will answer them based on the number picked from the bowl that was passed round:

1. What language or languages do you speak?
2. Does your man speak the same language?

Speaking Ibo to a Yoruba woman, “Sister Kike, Bia ne ba.”  “Sister Marie, qui est ce c’est? Sister Kofo, me nine sunanka? Sister Rita, ki-gi-le-ge-fe-ge-se-ge-ni-gi-ogo-ningi? Sister Comfort, obrigado. Who understands all these languages? I actually made simple statements in Ibo, French, Hausa, Eno and Portugese but you couldn’t respond because I used languages other than yours. Sister Kike, please come. Sister Marie, what is it? Sister Kofo, what is your name? Sister Rita, what do you want to do today? Sister Comfort, thank you. Who still does not understand? We all do because we all speak English Language and I spoke just that to you now.

No matter how many languages we speak, we have one language we consider our primary language and others are our secondary languages. Even though I speak English fluently, my primary language is Yoruba so there’s usually an immediate attraction when you walk by me in a mall with a smile and say “E nle ma”. Because you have spoken my primary language, I light up immediately and respond in a way that meets your approval. Just as we have different languages, there are also different love languages. This brings me to my next question:

3. What is your primary love language?
4. What is your husband’s primary love language?
5. Do you speak the same primary love language as your husband?

For me a wet towel spells I love you but for my husband a dry towel spells I love you. That obviously means we don’t speak the same love language so if care is not taken we will end up hurting each other simply because what makes me feel loved makes him feel unloved. Before we go into that, let’s look at how The Almighty spoke His love to us.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world…” Romans 5:8, “But God commendeth [demonstrated] his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” So, what love language did Jesus speak to us in giving us His son?

1. How did God act his love? By sending his son to serve us
2. What did God give? He gave us a priceless gift
3. Did we feel his love? His touched us, we felt it because his spirit lives with us
4. How did He affirm His love? He affirmed his love by stating it in His Word
5. What is the value? He gave us quality, his first born

Let’s quickly look at why women marry. Women marry for three different reasons:

• God’s Will – This means you may not even love the guy but you said yes because you heard God or because you decided to listen to someone who claim to have heard God. Though this is referred to as perfect will, it may not start out as being perfect.
• Permissive Will – This means God may not be happy but because it is permitted, either because you are pregnant for him, your parents believe he is right for you, you have been dating him for long, he has proven that he loves you beyond all reasonable doubt; you go ahead and sign up.
• Self Will – This means that even though every other person may not accept your choice, you believe this is right for you and you go straight ahead.

No matter what the situation is, I want to assure you that if God saw you to it, He is able to see you through it. So, that it was not God’s will or your parents will should not be reason to sign into misery. Genesis 1:28 say “And God blessed them.” And Proverbs 18:22 say, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord”. How many favoured women are here today? You are favoured because you were found by a man.

What does cars run on? Every car runs on fuel. No matter how you got into marriage, there is only one thing that can keep your marriage running. There is a tagline that says America runs on Dunkin but guess what marriage runs on? (Wait for answers) Love. This brings me to my next question:

6. What happened to the love you had before marriage after marriage?
7. Is your love tank full, low, empty or drained?

Because God so loved the world, he gave. So if Omolola so loved Adebola she has to give something and keep giving. But how can she keep giving without experiencing burn out? This leads us to the next question:

8. Why do women experience burn out?
9. Why don’t we experience burn out in our love relationship with God?

Our love relationship with God is mutually exclusive and mutually beneficial. The relationship is strictly between two people. God loves the world but He died for me and I recognize Him as my personal savior. I never try to do God’s job like deciding to manufacture my own air so I can run on my own oxygen. In like manner, God let me do my part, which is returning His love in the form of worship and trying in no way to share His glory. He is the boss and I recognize that. The relationship runs on love and respect. But to get more I must continue to learn better ways to worship Him, communicate with Him and celebrate Him.

How frustrating would it be if God understands only French and we decide to speak German, Swahili or Ibibio to him? But that is God; He is All-Knowing. Unlike God, our men have a primary love language and for effective communication we must speak to them not in our own primary language but in theirs. If I speak to Sister Marie in Yoruba, she will start out being confused, then frustrated, then angry; she may end up walking out on me. That is what happens when we continue to speak to our men in the love language they do not understand.

I speak Eno but if I decide to speak it to my husband I will succeed in frustrating him. Let me paint a scenario that happened during our quiet time. I mentioned to you that my primary language is Yoruba and I assumed before marriage that this is my husband’s primary language. Imagine my shock when I decided to pray in Yoruba and my husband waited till the end of the long prayer to say Amen, instead of Amin. I love it, I speak it and because he is a Yoruba man I expect that this should be his primary love language but if it is not, should I compel him to speak because I speak or should I out of love, speak to him in his own primary language?

Today most Bibles are written in English but if Jesus spoke English to the Jews, He may never have been able to communicate the gospel.

To communicate your gospel of love according to Ihuoma, you must speak not Ihuoma’s love language but Victor’s love language. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 9:20-22, “And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

10. Can someone tell us the different kinds of petrol or gas that different types of cars run on? (Leaded, Unleaded, Regular)
11.  Can Toyota run on kerosene?
12.  How can you best learn the petrol or gas your vehicle runs on?

As we have discussed, marriages run on love but you must understand the kind of love your man runs on. Which takes us to the 5 love languages by Jay Adams. These languages unlike regular languages speak to what your man needs. Some men who normally don’t like to wear Ankara and all that, now that we are in the USA, they try to wear it, to remain in touch with culture. When a man does not get his love language need met at home, he goes in search of someone who understands and can speak his language which explains why a man can have a woman with whom he just wants to sit and talk. He desires to spend time with his woman but she never has time so he develops a friendship through which his need is met. Unfortunately the woman’s need may be gifts so he showers her with this in exchange for her fulfilling his love need.

God wants us to bring gifts to his house, pay tithe, fellowship with others, separate ourselves from sin but His primary desire His the need that drove Him to create us which is worship. God wants many things from us but these things become unacceptable when we don’t give Him worship. God will keep calling out to you for worship but when you become adamant, He will leave. In like manner, your man’s language stem from the desire that drove him to marry you but be mindful, because he is human, his language may change with the environment. 

Please see 5 Love Languages (Part 2) for the concluding transcript. God bless you.

Love After Wedding

Courtship has become a period where couples rehearse written scripts in front of an inattentive audience. But on the real stage called marriage, the script is not pre-written; your response is largely dependent on the other person and the audience – families and friends, are focused on seeing to it that you keep the rules. I remember someone saying that if truly love is blind, then marriage is an eye opener. God’s perfect plan did not include dating because the concept of dating is mainly to “see”, “practice”, “check out” whether this person will match me. But where people enter into courtship solely based on God’s will every courtship should be focused on knowing more about the other person in other to make the union work. If marriage had been in-dissolvable as God meant it to be, more and more couples will commit time and energy to making things work.  

                                    

As a minister and relationship coach, I always make it clear to couples that once they establish that their coming together is according to God’s will then there is no mountain that would be too high for them to climb. I encourage couples in courtship to see just one goal – happiness in marriage. And where they are both focused on and committed to that goal, they can and will be happy. Unfortunately the world teaches that dating and courtship is the time to test compatibility. But the more people follow the way of the world, the more the rate of divorce skyrocket even amongst believers which is why we see Bishops and Pastors get entangled in divorce, once, twice, even thrice; things that should not be named among believers! One thing I established clearly before marrying my husband was that this was God’s will for me. So when I began to see things I did not expect, I decided that though not having all the information means I did not make an informed consent, the fact that it is God’s will means that God saw it and saw no reason to pull me out. I then concluded that if God brought me to it, He can and will carry me through it.

Though many are wary of marrying across cultures, but thousands continue to marry unknowingly across cultures especially as a result of transmigration and westernisation. Take for instance my husband and me, though from the same home country and tribe, I found out to my shock few weeks into our marriage that he has become more of an American having lived in the USA for over 20 years! Of course the natural thing to have done would have been to fly off; after all this is not who I meant to marry. But knowing that this was God’s will gave me just one way out, like the foetus in the womb; and no turning back. That way led of course back to God who led me to what Gary Chapman laid out in 5 Love Languages (2004). I began to learn about my husband and how he wanted to be loved, touched, served, appreciated and affirmed. When we take up employment, in addition to whatever professional training we may have had, we have to be trained in the in-house culture of the organisation but we don’t do this in marriage; we just assume that he or she is a believer and we place an expectation on him/her. 

I had begun to sink until God led me to look to Him who is the author and finisher of my faith. My husband preferred face to face conversations and we had great communication in courtship. Though I am a media specialist, I preferred to write. Initially, I would write him a long mail but he would respond with just one line and I would begin to boil having read many meanings into his seemingly “thoughtless” response. One day I decided to spill out my annoyance and he explained that because his work is tied to the computer, he associates emails with work. It them dawned on me that though I loved writing and reading emails, for him it meant work. As I began to learn who he is and how he preferred to be related with; disappointment and confusion gave way to happiness and peace. There definitely would be fewer divorces if couples understood each other’s primary love language and culture.

After wedding, life will go on but having taken a new exit (you left Route SINGLE and took exit WEDDING towards MARRIAGE Highway), it would not be business as usual. You both have expectations but those expectations may not be met exactly the way you envisioned it. What do I mean? You may expect that he'll eat breakfast with you, drop and pick you from work, attend fellowship with you, eat dinner and then spend time chatting with you before you both head to bed or better still he carries you into bed and wrap you in love. Whao, how so sweet! But my dear, it may not be so. One of you would most likely change address, quit your job during which you may have to stay home while the other works. So there may be no dropping off or picking up and the one working may be rather tired to attend fellowship with you or too tired to even have dinner or chat with you. If you are both able to work, you may not have the same schedule; resumption or closing time, so one may have to give up the car (if you have one, regardless of who owns it) for the benefit of the person who needs it most. 

After the wedding day, you will discover the REAL person you married. Not because he or she was pretending but because you are now in each others comfort zone. Let me paint a scenario for you. During courtship, the man calls you when he is free or less busy, before calling he has made a decision to talk to you for 30 minutes or as long as phone credit permits. So when he calls, he is relaxed; he probably has planned to share a joke or two with you, so you laugh and feel his charm, endearment and excitement. Fast forward to the day after wedding; communication will no longer be planned, everything becomes impromptu. If you have both become broke as a result of the wedding; expect edginess with regards to money. If she has had a bad day, don't expect a peck if she manages to say hello... During courtship, when you serve him salty food, he probably would say, "That's okay dear" but after saying goodbye, he can induce vomitting and enter the next available restuarant to eat a meal of his choice. In marriage, it will not be okay because that may be his only meal for the day. Perhaps she has fallen asleep on your couch during a couple of visits, but all you noticed is her prettiness and calmness; mind you this is seldom a deep sleep, only a nap. But on wedding night as you spend your first official night together you begin to wonder where that loud noice is coming from and low and behold it's your pretty woman roaring in her sleep, "OMG! She snores!". Yes she does, most tired people and those whose air passageway is blocked do.

Loving someone is different from living with the person but marriage is loving and living under a covenant - sealed by blood or contract - sealed by the law (depending on your view of marriage). Now this is beyond convenience or commitment, it is required and backed by a consequence when not obeyed. Love may roll through romance but marriage moves through reality. If you can both learn the RAP (Responsibility, Adjustment, Perseverance) tango, the days after wedding will be enjoyable.

Brethren, some believe that love grows after wedding but others believe that love can only be maintained or sustained after wedding but what I know is that love after wedding will take a different path; for few slightly, for some averagely, for others drastically. Why? Previously you saw through a dim or modified glass, now you'd see clearly perhaps even through a binoculars. You may have imagined that she is a size 36B but in marriage you may find she is a 38D! Why? She probably would not discuss with you during courtship that she wears a girdle or (if the reverse) that she wears a padded bra to prop things up and give her clothing the right bobby fitting. You may have imagined sex will not be good because he has a small frame but he may turn out to be a stallion!

I can't tell you what love will serve you after wedding but I can assure you it will not be the wedding cake everyday! One key life saver is that you must position yourself to know his or her REAL love language, learn it and speak it. Finally, through it all, you must learn to depend on The Trinity - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit; with the three-in-one, you can successfully navigate the marital route.

If you are recently married, feel free to share something that is different in love after wedding.