Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Why am I not married?

Motunrayo Alaka, an advocate for investigative journalism, once posted an article that points to many now asking Google for everything. I won’t be surprised if you got to this link by googling, “Why am I not married?”

This is a question that many singles shy away from in public but one they ask privately and tearfully. A question I had to answer in my quest for marriage.

A young man in his late 20s told me how his income was hardly enough to sustain him and how try as he may, he cannot seem to settle into marriage. Further counsel revealed that he was living far above his income. He was also spending a lot to gratify his girlfriend and sexual partners instead of planning for a home and signing into marriage with the one he loves. The reason he isn't "settled" is not far fetched.

A woman in her early 30s told me how her company was going through a hard time and how her dad threw the family into turmoil by jetting off with other women. Further counsel revealed that she was afraid of stepping out in faith to explore other job options and her dad's behaviour left her with the fear of men which became the genesis of disappointments. The reason she isn't married is not far fetched.

After struggling with the thoughts of being single for life, a woman answered her call to a life of missions and found joy in touching the lives of children God sent her way.

I stayed single for a long time because what I wanted was not reachable and what was reachable was not desired. Where was the will of God in why I remained single? It was not God's will that I remained single but as I stretched for my will, God's will became more and more alien to me. Peace was restored to my marital journey when I trusted God. Remaining single may be God-ordained for some but for many, it is self inflicted. 

"Why am I not married?" is a question which when sincerely answered can uncover the veil that may be preventing you from embarking on the marital journey truthfully and continuing beyond the altar.

Many of those who are married had to compromise one thing or the other – height, weight, profession, complexion, pay packet, tribe, qualification, class, age etc.

1st Peter 1 gives a good picture of God's expectation. Verse 5 says "Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." Holding up your faith is a requirement for connecting to an earthly mate. Verse 13 and 24 points out: "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ… For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away." Verse 25 nails it "But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you."

When answers do not come to this age old question we begin a cycle of frustration that has seen many getting married to evil mates. At the end of the day, neither marriage nor singleness would endure. Only the word of God.
Dear brethren and friends, why are you not married? If you married in your late 20s or 30s, 40s, 50s... What delayed your marital bliss? Sharing may be all you need to set yourself free and open the freeway for others as well.

Mrs. Omolola is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Journey through grief

In every crisis or trauma, the first response is usually silence followed by sighing, sitting with a forlorn or lost look, crying or wailing depending on how close the person is and how the news is broken to us. In my culture, people would usually send an elderly person or pastor to break the news in one’s home and in the presence of others so as to mellow down the initial reaction. I was shocked recently to learn that a Pastor who called to request my husband’s mobile number actually called him at the office to break the news of his friend’s death. This is never done and I expected that the Pastor should have been a better counsellor. I would have regretted my decision to give him his number if anything went wrong considering his state of health at the time which no doubt has an impact on how he would receive news of death. The Complete Guide to Crisis and Trauma Counseling provides many examples of crisis and trauma and biblical principles that can aid in times of counselling those experiencing crisis, trauma especially where related to loss and death. According to the book, “Death is the permanent, irreversible cessation of the vital functions of the body”. Hebrews 9:27 say, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”. As Christians we must recognise that death is the final end of all living things and it is followed by judgment. 

Being able to accept and handle my own feelings of mortality has gone a long way to position me to counsel others; what still remains challenging is counselling those with terminal illness. I have noticed that I am more comfortable with counselling them to expect healing rather than counselling them to accept death. An adage in Nigeria when translated says, “The dead mourn the dead, the mourners mourn themselves”. This we use to remind ourselves that death is a sacrifice we all owe; timing and season is what differs. I was at the point the man diagnosed with cancer in Chapter 12 was at some point. My very close friend died in an accident and I found myself questioning the existence of God. I came close to backsliding but the Word of God became my pullback factor. God brought me to see that all He did was call him home; still I questioned why it had to happen in such a painful way – car accident. God took me through Bible passages that showed that sacrifices are seldom painless – the death of Jesus, His Only Begotten Son, was painful and so was the death of John the Baptist, his trailblazer and many disciples but the pain was exchanged with gain as they transited into God’s glory. 

When dealing with the crisis of death, we need to answer a number of questions and look at the nature of death – sudden or anticipated. How, when, why, where and what led to the person’s death will go a long way to position you, especially if you are a counsellor, to provide adequate and appropriate counseling. As counsellors, or those in the area of the person's influence, we must lead the bereaved to accept the past and chart a new course with God as The Chief Pilot. As the bereaved bridges the past, the bereaved should learn to change terminologies e.g. ‘I’ instead of ‘we’, ‘me’ instead of ‘us’ etc. 

Death due to natural disasters (earth quakes, tornadoes, etc) are better handled than human events or preventable deaths (accidents, fire, homicide etc.) because natural disasters are not due to human errors and no one can be blamed. Suicide is the most difficult to deal with because the deceased made the choice to die. Another difficult death is the death of a spouse or partner; it changes the identity, sense of self and security of the one left behind depending especially on how close they were. The experience will include fear of being alone, reality of one’s mortality, sickness (from not eating or not having enough sleep), identity crisis (from loss of status or change in title) etc. The bereaved should “work on being a better parent, rather than to attempt to fulfill both roles”. We must counsel the bereaved to know that some decisions would have to wait till the intensity of his/her emotions abate. The bereaved should be mindful about how to handle conflicts over will and possessions. The bereaved should also consider going out alone instead of cancelling all invitations to “Mr. and Mrs.” Other things the bereaved can do includes, re-decorating the house (I am presently counseling a guy that lost his wife a couple of years ago; his late wife’s image remains his profile picture on Facebook), finding new individual interests, getting a job. By developing new roles, the bereaved can operate independently and cope better with death. Establishing memorial projects could help you focus more on keeping the person's memory alive in a positive way that encourages others to share the joy of knowing the person instead of the grief of losing the person.

Regardless of the manner of death, ministering to the bereaved is an assignment that can go on for years. The bereaved must be supported with prayers, counselling and in other tangible ways – phone calls, greeting cards, visits, meals, groceries, etc. If you are a member of a local church, you can help the church develop a programme where families commit to supporting those bereaved for 2 months each. In my opinion this will ensure that no family suffers burnout from supporting the bereaved. A story made rounds via the internet sometime ago of a man that met Mr. Death; Death told him he has come to take 100 people. So the man went round town telling people to be careful as Death was on a mission to kill. At the close of day, he learned that 1000 people had died so when he met Death on his way home, he asked why he had lied to him. Death said, “I killed 100 but fear of death killed 900”. This fictional story corroborates what Robert Burther said, “The fear of death is worse than death”. 

I have been fortunate not to lose any member of my nuclear family. But as I counsel friends who have, I find myself asking who will go first and how; will it be according to age etc. *[Now I know!] Each time I take solace in asking God to keep His protective cover over us all and let his promise of 70 years and above manifest in our lives. But I am brought face to face with purpose and destiny; Jesus at 33 had to pay the price of death in fulfillment of His purpose as The Saviour. So, I pray more for the fulfillment of purpose and encourage those close to me to touch lives as I figure out that I can cope better if I know that, short or long, the life served God’s purpose. In preparation, I also ensure that instead of abandonment, I provide the necessary care to ailing loved ones; this is to forestall the feeling of guilt when a loved one dies. Whether you are in paid employment or not, it is important to commit to supporting loved ones within the limits of your resources. Ensure you meet the needs of your parents, siblings, close friends (especially those less fortunate as you) and spend time with those close to you. 

A number of things that can be done at the time of grief includes beginning where the bereaved person is, clarifying expressed feelings, empathising, encouraging, being sensitive to the feelings of the bereaved and giving reasonable assurances. A positive way to journey through grief with a friend isn't calling to say congratulations or asking where the party is happening or expecting a bereaved to attend your wedding happening when he or she is still grieving. 

We must learn to point the bereaved to God. It is God that allowed (not orchestrated) the death and only God can comfort the bereaved beyond what any human can do. Expecting death does not free one from the grief of death; the disciples of Jesus refused to prepare for His death and even Jesus tried to upturn God’s decision. The experience of the person expecting death (in the case of a terminal ailment) or those around him/her may include: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Your ministry to the terminally ill should be that of being a listener. Simple reflection, a touch and a listening hear will minister and speak volumes.

There are four basic stages in anticipating grief: depression, heightened concern for the ill person, rehearsal of the person’s death and adjustments to the consequence of the death. As you walk others through these stages, let 2nd Corinthians 1:3-4 be your watchword, "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." It's not an easy road, but God is able to help you to walk others through.

Mrs. Omolola Omoteso is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.
This article was first written in 08.2012

Sunday, 9 March 2014

5 Love Languages (Part 2)

On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court in New Jersey to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below is part two of the transcript of my ministration. If you are yet to read part one, please proceed there via this link.

So, what are the 5 love languages?
a)    Words of Affirmation. What is word of affirmation? Bingo, you are so dumb, I can’t believe you just did that. How do you think a man will receive those hurtful words? Verbal compliments, kind and humble words, motivation and encouragement go a long way. “Sweet heart, I am so proud of you!” How will a man receive that? To provide the right words you must be willing to empathise and see the world from your man’s perspective. Learn what is important to him and encourage him. When a man takes the wrong exit is not the time to say, there you go again; you never get it right! Ouch; that hurts. Yesterday’s failures can be handled by affirming our man. Words of affirmation are powerful means of restoring love and intimacy.
b)    Quality Time. What is quality time? How can you invest quality time with your spouse? I’ll give an example. We recently went on a trip, though I had a number of assignments, I decided to leave my laptop at home. If I had taken my laptop, I would have spent more time on it that with him. In giving up my laptop, I gained much; for the first two days he did not even turn on the television! Quality time mean time spent focused on your man and your man alone; no laptop, no television, no mobile phone, no children; just you and him. Imagine you picking a call while having sex? It just breaks the rhythm and may even stop the flow. Ouch! Switch off your phone, leave it at home when heading out for dinner, take a walk; the simple things of life done with your man can energise your love life. Pastor Mrs. preached about the Table Principle, something I have always done in my home even before I got married. The very first thing I got after I got married was a dining set! Guess what, the hardest of men will listen after a great meal. Even if you have eaten before he arrives, just sit with him and watch him eat; you’d be amazed at how attentive he’ll be during discussion that follow. What activities can you engage in that would make your quality time truly special?
c)     Receiving Gift. No matter how well you spell I love you, some men will never understand until you say it with gift. Set of nice boxers, a mug, lunch on you, roses etc. are great expressions of love. To speak this language you may look at his needs and meet them, like his shirts are fraying, go ahead and order new ones; don’t wait till it is his birthday to express your love the way he will understand. If he loves home food for lunch, buy a lunch bag; he will proudly carry it like a schoolboy because you gave it to him. If he loves tea, buy a nice travel jug. My first gift to Temi was a travel mug; I noticed that the one he had was coloured with coffee so during a grocery shopping in Michigan, on my way from the bathroom, I bought and paid for this really nice travel mug; he hasn’t stopped using it EVERYDAY. Your gift is an investment in your man’s love tank because if his love tank his full with the right fuel, he will cruise your marriage in top love speed!
d)    Acts of Service. Love is a verb and there is no better way to express it by serving your husband. Pick up his mails, lay the bed, iron his clothes, take the car to the car wash, set the table, don’t just cook like the food is for a pauper, treat him like royalty because if he feels kingly, he’ll treat you queenly! We recently hosted Pastor Prof; my husband’s car which we decided to drive him to church in was dirty and I couldn’t have a former attorney general ride in it so I decided to wash the car but I said to myself, I want to honour his friend by ensuring the car is clean, yet my husband was going to drive to church in my own equally dirty car. What do you think I did? I washed both cars! Other men shouldn’t receive better honour from us than what we give our husbands. I am not asking you to become a slave; when my husband took ill, I ironed his clothes but usually he does it and even offers to do mine. If you sir the pastor, sir your man. If you’ll set the table for Obama, set it for your prince charming. Never use the act of service to manipulate him; if you want me to cook for you then you have to be home by 6PM, when we are going to eat. Policewoman, take it easy, your man is your leader; treat him right.
e)     Physical Touch. I don’t need to ask us to define this. But it doesn’t only have to mean sex. Hold hands, touch his face, stroke his hands… If this is your husband’s love dialect be prepared to speak it publicly and privately; snuggle up to him, hug him, give him a shoulder rub, touch your nose to his, kiss him, pat him on the back. If this means sex every day or every other day ask God for energy. If you think it has crossed the line from dialect to obsession, pray about it. Many men and women will forgive their spouses for falling in love with others as long as physical touch or sexual intimacy is not involved but because this cuts through all others, the sacrifice of giving yourself to someone else is one most men seldom forgive or forget. We can relate this to God, He sacrificed His best for us and directs that no other sacrifice is necessary, no other worship is allowed; it must be God and God alone. So if you have just this one man, you better learn how He loves to be touched and touch him EVERYWHERE to your delight. Non-sexual touch can be a powerful communicator especially in times of crisis, grief and disappointment. When Clinton was roped in sexual scandal, they may not have been able to resume sexual intercourse but the fact that Hillary still found the courage to hold his hands expressed deeper meaning and gave Bill the courage to repent and retrace his steps. Many men have become lost forever because we CUT OFF at the sound of another woman. When he is traveling, hug him and whisper in his ears, “I’ll keep myself for you, I trust you to do the same.” If a woman winks at him, he will return home to tell you.
Your man has one of the above as his love dialect but may actually speak two or more. As you learn his primary love language and speak it in the dialect he understands, teach him yours. If yours is gift, suggest what you want, if service, make a request, if affirmation tell him. When I first learned about love languages, I wondered why mine was not featured because I have always considered communication as my love language. But I realized that mine is the basis on which all these 5 rests. On cursory look, I realized that communication could be classed under quality time. If you can’t sniff out your husband’s love language by analysing the 5 and deciding his preferred love language, ask him; how would you best understand that I love you? If he says, if we have sex daily, then you’d know his love language is physical touch and as you give this in and out of bed, there will be lesser need for daily sexual intercourse. Then tell him yours; tell him how you prefer to be touched, share your expectation in terms of quality time and words of affirmation.

Love is a choice; even if you were forced on him or he on you, in staying married, you made a choice. You owe it to yourself to remain married joyously. Pour your all into your man and develop him to your taste. To have joy, real joy, you must position yourself prayerfully to deal with hurt, anger and resentment to avoid repressing them until when they would have become wolves capable of destroying your tender loving grapes.

Let’s look at Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again”. The measure you give, is what will be measured to you. If you speak the language of love in your husband’s dialect, be rest assured he would pleasantly learn yours and speak to you in good measure.

In marriage, we desire to feel special and significant and speaking the appropriate love language can meet both needs but we must take the first step by unlocking the key to renewing and energising love.

Before we pray please listen to this poem God led me t post on Facebook:
Dear Lord, I need a nice black velvet dress with a lovely set of jewelry. While you are at it, please remember to throw in a dinner purse and high heel shoes to match! Soon. God, with all these things, will I now attend that award dinner in a bus! Soon. But God, this man that offered to give me a ride is damn ugly; couldn’t you have given me my own car? Soon. O Lord! I know I asked for a car but definitely not two doors (yeri n’beto)! Soon. O God, this accord is so hot; all my colleagues have their windows wound up. Soon. But God, if you decided to give me air con, why not in a jeep! Soon. (In tears) Lovely ride, but for how long will I have to drive without company. Soon. God, I asked you for company but definitely not for an overbearing company driver. Soon. I have been driving alone all day; the Bible says two are better than one. Soon. What a lovely wedding, this man you gave me just messed everything up with his clumsy dance steps. Soon. I can live with his dance but definitely not his late nights and being too tired to get it up. Soon. (After he bought a house and they moved in) God! What is the essence of a big house without children; all my friends are done having children, will I now have to adopt? Soon. My Lord and my Saviour, I was so sure you’ll do it, only I asked you for a set of twins, a boy and a girl. Soon. Lord! You know I will be disinherited if I don’t have a male child. Soon. My God! But I never asked you for a sick male child; do I now have to spend all my life at the hospital? (God stood up and said) Insatiable being! When will you pause to give me worship for your breath?

Dear Sisters, God gave you a good man, your love can make him shine!

Prayer Points:
  1. Father thank you for my man.
  2. Lord, teach me your undiluted unconditional love?
  3. Lord help me to speak my husband’s love language in love?
  4. Lord teach my husband my love language and help him to speak it?
  5. Lord, bind our home with your unbreakable cords of love?
As we close, let's share this song, "Love in any language" by Sandi Pattie.

Love in any language
Straight from the heart
Pulls us all together, never apart
And once we learn to speak it
All the world will hear
Love in any language
Fluently spoken here

5 Love Languages

On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below (from second paragraph) is part one of the transcript of my ministration.

I love the song, "Love Lifted Me", members of my alumni group got caught in the web of my gmail signature - LLM. The loved it so much that most of them complained when I made the mistake of leaving this beautiful tagline out.

My name is Omolola the wife of Omoteso and the daughter of Odu-Famuyiwa. I have written two books that speak to some of the things we’ll be discussing today. The first is tiled What is wrong with us? Nuggets about mature singles. Pick it from the ushers, read it and sow it into mature singles around you. Those who have read it and can provide you with good reference. The second is a book I wrote for the most outstanding female minister in RCCG North America, Pastor Grace Okonrende; it is titled “Pillar of Strength” and Sis Elijah can provide the necessary reference.

Prayer: Lord as we learn at your feet, make our love tank genuinely full so that instead of running on frustration and depression, we can run on your love which passeth human understanding. In Jesus name we pray.

Today we’ll be sharing the theme 5 Love Languages.

I have a number of questions that would move the presentation along. We will answer them based on the number picked from the bowl that was passed round:
  1. What language or languages do you speak?
  2. Does your man speak the same language?
Speaking Ibo to a Yoruba woman, “Sister Kike, Bia ne ba.”  “Sister Marie, qui est ce c’est? Sister Kofo, me nine sunanka? Sister Rita, ki-gi-le-ge-fe-ge-se-ge-ni-gi-ogo-ningi? Sister Comfort, obrigado. Who understands all these languages? I actually made simple statements in Ibo, French, Hausa, Eno and Portugese but you couldn’t respond because I used languages other than yours. Sister Kike, please come. Sister Marie, what is it? Sister Kofo, what is your name? Sister Rita, what do you want to do today? Sister Comfort, thank you. Who still does not understand? We all do because we all speak English Language and I spoke just that to you now.

No matter how many languages we speak, we have one language we consider our primary language and others are our secondary languages. Even though I speak English fluently, my primary language is Yoruba so there’s usually an immediate attraction when you walk by me in a mall with a smile and say “E nle ma”. Because you have spoken my primary language, I light up immediately and respond in a way that meets your approval. Just as we have different languages, there are also different love languages. This brings me to my next question:
  1. What is your primary love language?
  2. What is your husband’s primary love language?
  3. Do you speak the same primary love language as your husband?
For me a wet towel spells I love you but for my husband a dry towel spells I love you. That obviously means we don’t speak the same love language so if care is not taken we will end up hurting each other simply because what makes me feel loved makes him feel unloved. Before we go into that, let’s look at how The Almighty spoke His love to us.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world…” Romans 5:8, “But God commendeth [demonstrated] his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” So, what love language did Jesus speak to us in giving us His son?
  1. How did God act his love? By sending his son to serve us
  2. What did God give? He gave us a priceless gift
  3. Did we feel his love? His touched us, we felt it because his spirit lives with us
  4. How did He affirm His love? He affirmed his love by stating it in His Word
  5. What is the value? He gave us quality, his first born
Let’s quickly look at why women marry. Women marry for three different reasons:
  • God’s Will – This means you may not even love the guy but you said yes because you heard God or because you decided to listen to someone who claim to have heard God. Though this is referred to as perfect will, it may not start out as being perfect.
  • Permissive Will – This means God may not be happy but because it is permitted, either because you are pregnant for him, your parents believe he is right for you, you have been dating him for long, he has proven that he loves you beyond all reasonable doubt; you go ahead and sign up.
  • Self Will – This means that even though every other person may not accept your choice, you believe this is right for you and you go straight ahead.
No matter what the situation is, I want to assure you that if God saw you to it, He is able to see you through it. So, that it was not God’s will or your parents will should not be reason to sign into misery. Genesis 1:28 say “And God blessed them.” And Proverbs 18:22 say, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord”. How many favoured women are here today? You are favoured because you were found by a man.

What does cars run on? Every car runs on fuel. No matter how you got into marriage, there is only one thing that can keep your marriage running. There is a tagline that says America runs on Dunkin but guess what marriage runs on? (Wait for answers) Love. This brings me to my next question:
  1. What happened to the love you had before marriage after marriage?
  2. Is your love tank full, low, empty or drained?
Because God so loved the world, he gave. So if Omolola so loved Adebola she has to give something and keep giving. But how can she keep giving without experiencing burn out? This leads us to the next question:
  1. Why do women experience burn out?
  2. Why don’t we experience burn out in our love relationship with God?
Our love relationship with God is mutually exclusive and mutually beneficial. The relationship is strictly between two people. God loves the world but He died for me and I recognize Him as my personal savior. I never try to do God’s job like deciding to manufacture my own air so I can run on my own oxygen. In like manner, God let me do my part, which is returning His love in the form of worship and trying in no way to share His glory. He is the boss and I recognize that. The relationship runs on love and respect. But to get more I must continue to learn better ways to worship Him, communicate with Him and celebrate Him.
How frustrating would it be if God understands only French and we decide to speak German, Swahili or Ibibio to him? But that is God; He is All-Knowing. Unlike God, our men have a primary love language and for effective communication we must speak to them not in our own primary language but in theirs. If I speak to Sister Marie in Yoruba, she will start out being confused, then frustrated, then angry; she may end up walking out on me. That is what happens when we continue to speak to our men in the love language they do not understand.
I speak Eno but if I decide to speak it to my husband I will succeed in frustrating him. Let me paint a scenario that happened during our quiet time. I mentioned to you that my primary language is Yoruba and I assumed before marriage that this is my husband’s primary language. Imagine my shock when I decided to pray in Yoruba and my husband waited till the end of the long prayer to say Amen, instead of Amin. I love it, I speak it and because he is a Yoruba man I expect that this should be his primary love language but if it is not, should I compel him to speak because I speak or should I out of love, speak to him in his own primary language?
Today most Bibles are written in English but if Jesus spoke English to the Jews, He may never have been able to communicate the gospel.
To communicate your gospel of love according to Ihuoma, you must speak not Ihuoma’s love language but Victor’s love language. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 9:20-22, “And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.
  1. Can someone tell us the different kinds of petrol or gas that different types of cars run on? (Leaded, Unleaded, Regular)
  2.  Can Toyota run on kerosene?
  3.  How can you best learn the petrol or gas your vehicle runs on?
As we have discussed, marriages run on love but you must understand the kind of love your man runs on. Which takes us to the 5 love languages by Jay Adams. These languages unlike regular languages speak to what your man needs. Some men who normally don’t like to wear Ankara and all that, now that we are in the USA, they try to wear it, to remain in touch with culture. When a man does not get his love language need met at home, he goes in search of someone who understands and can speak his language which explains why a man can have a woman with whom he just wants to sit and talk. He desires to spend time with his woman but she never has time so he develops a friendship through which his need is met. Unfortunately the woman’s need may be gifts so he showers her with this in exchange for her fulfilling his love need.

God wants us to bring gifts to his house, pay tithe, fellowship with others, separate ourselves from sin but His primary desire His the need that drove Him to create us which is worship. God wants many things from us but these things become unacceptable when we don’t give Him worship. God will keep calling out to you for worship but when you become adamant, He will leave. In like manner, your man’s language stem from the desire that drove him to marry you but be mindful, because he is human, his language may change with the environment. 

Please see 5 Love Languages (Part 2) for the concluding transcript. God bless you.