Love After Wedding

Courtship has become a period where couples rehearse written scripts in front of an inattentive audience. But on the real stage called marriage, the script is not pre-written; your response is largely dependent on the other person and the audience – families and friends, are focused on seeing to it that you keep the rules. I remember someone saying that if truly love is blind, then marriage is an eye opener. God’s perfect plan did not include dating because the concept of dating is mainly to “see”, “practice”, “check out” whether this person will match me. But where people enter into courtship solely based on God’s will every courtship should be focused on knowing more about the other person in other to make the union work. If marriage had been in-dissolvable as God meant it to be, more and more couples will commit time and energy to making things work.  

                                    

As a minister and relationship coach, I always make it clear to couples that once they establish that their coming together is according to God’s will then there is no mountain that would be too high for them to climb. I encourage couples in courtship to see just one goal – happiness in marriage. And where they are both focused on and committed to that goal, they can and will be happy. Unfortunately the world teaches that dating and courtship is the time to test compatibility. But the more people follow the way of the world, the more the rate of divorce skyrocket even amongst believers which is why we see Bishops and Pastors get entangled in divorce, once, twice, even thrice; things that should not be named among believers! One thing I established clearly before marrying my husband was that this was God’s will for me. So when I began to see things I did not expect, I decided that though not having all the information means I did not make an informed consent, the fact that it is God’s will means that God saw it and saw no reason to pull me out. I then concluded that if God brought me to it, He can and will carry me through it.

Though many are wary of marrying across cultures, but thousands continue to marry unknowingly across cultures especially as a result of transmigration and westernisation. Take for instance my husband and me, though from the same home country and tribe, I found out to my shock few weeks into our marriage that he has become more of an American having lived in the USA for over 20 years! Of course the natural thing to have done would have been to fly off; after all this is not who I meant to marry. But knowing that this was God’s will gave me just one way out, like the foetus in the womb; and no turning back. That way led of course back to God who led me to what Gary Chapman laid out in 5 Love Languages (2004). I began to learn about my husband and how he wanted to be loved, touched, served, appreciated and affirmed. When we take up employment, in addition to whatever professional training we may have had, we have to be trained in the in-house culture of the organisation but we don’t do this in marriage; we just assume that he or she is a believer and we place an expectation on him/her. 

I had begun to sink until God led me to look to Him who is the author and finisher of my faith. My husband preferred face to face conversations and we had great communication in courtship. Though I am a media specialist, I preferred to write. Initially, I would write him a long mail but he would respond with just one line and I would begin to boil having read many meanings into his seemingly “thoughtless” response. One day I decided to spill out my annoyance and he explained that because his work is tied to the computer, he associates emails with work. It them dawned on me that though I loved writing and reading emails, for him it meant work. As I began to learn who he is and how he preferred to be related with; disappointment and confusion gave way to happiness and peace. There definitely would be fewer divorces if couples understood each other’s primary love language and culture.

After wedding, life will go on but having taken a new exit (you left Route SINGLE and took exit WEDDING towards MARRIAGE Highway), it would not be business as usual. You both have expectations but those expectations may not be met exactly the way you envisioned it. What do I mean? You may expect that he'll eat breakfast with you, drop and pick you from work, attend fellowship with you, eat dinner and then spend time chatting with you before you both head to bed or better still he carries you into bed and wrap you in love. Whao, how so sweet! But my dear, it may not be so. One of you would most likely change address, quit your job during which you may have to stay home while the other works. So there may be no dropping off or picking up and the one working may be rather tired to attend fellowship with you or too tired to even have dinner or chat with you. If you are both able to work, you may not have the same schedule; resumption or closing time, so one may have to give up the car (if you have one, regardless of who owns it) for the benefit of the person who needs it most. 

After the wedding day, you will discover the REAL person you married. Not because he or she was pretending but because you are now in each others comfort zone. Let me paint a scenario for you. During courtship, the man calls you when he is free or less busy, before calling he has made a decision to talk to you for 30 minutes or as long as phone credit permits. So when he calls, he is relaxed; he probably has planned to share a joke or two with you, so you laugh and feel his charm, endearment and excitement. Fast forward to the day after wedding; communication will no longer be planned, everything becomes impromptu. If you have both become broke as a result of the wedding; expect edginess with regards to money. If she has had a bad day, don't expect a peck if she manages to say hello... During courtship, when you serve him salty food, he probably would say, "That's okay dear" but after saying goodbye, he can induce vomitting and enter the next available restuarant to eat a meal of his choice. In marriage, it will not be okay because that may be his only meal for the day. Perhaps she has fallen asleep on your couch during a couple of visits, but all you noticed is her prettiness and calmness; mind you this is seldom a deep sleep, only a nap. But on wedding night as you spend your first official night together you begin to wonder where that loud noice is coming from and low and behold it's your pretty woman roaring in her sleep, "OMG! She snores!". Yes she does, most tired people and those whose air passageway is blocked do.

Loving someone is different from living with the person but marriage is loving and living under a covenant - sealed by blood or contract - sealed by the law (depending on your view of marriage). Now this is beyond convenience or commitment, it is required and backed by a consequence when not obeyed. Love may roll through romance but marriage moves through reality. If you can both learn the RAP (Responsibility, Adjustment, Perseverance) tango, the days after wedding will be enjoyable.

Brethren, some believe that love grows after wedding but others believe that love can only be maintained or sustained after wedding but what I know is that love after wedding will take a different path; for few slightly, for some averagely, for others drastically. Why? Previously you saw through a dim or modified glass, now you'd see clearly perhaps even through a binoculars. You may have imagined that she is a size 36B but in marriage you may find she is a 38D! Why? She probably would not discuss with you during courtship that she wears a girdle or (if the reverse) that she wears a padded bra to prop things up and give her clothing the right bobby fitting. You may have imagined sex will not be good because he has a small frame but he may turn out to be a stallion!

I can't tell you what love will serve you after wedding but I can assure you it will not be the wedding cake everyday! One key life saver is that you must position yourself to know his or her REAL love language, learn it and speak it. Finally, through it all, you must learn to depend on The Trinity - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit; with the three-in-one, you can successfully navigate the marital route.

If you are recently married, feel free to share something that is different in love after wedding.