DC KISS 2011

Come 12th of February, we would get together for another edition of DC KISS (Keep Interaction Simple & Short). To open up the event to everyone who has shown interest, we have decided to have three levels of fees:

Partners: Those who believe in what we are doing and wish to support may do so by paying N10, 000. Our partners will receive e or hard copies of our book, "What is wrong with us: Nuggets about mature singles".

Sponsors: Some benefitted from the sponsorship we received from friends last year, so it is your turn to give N5, 000 to enable us extend the event to someone else. You may choose to bring a friend or keep it open so we invite someone on your behalf.

Friends: We invite our friends and guests to be part of this event by paying a discount fee of N2, 500.

Payment can be made to the following banks:

1. Ecobank//Willows Magazine//013-004-01493561-01

2. GTBank//Anne Famuyiwa//202-267990-1-59-0 

We have also decided that instead of a lot of fun fair, we would be listening to real life experiences of people who are "Single Again" and how love lifted them from the abyss of depression to purposeful living filled with hope and elation.

Reserve your seat by calling or texting 0704.191.5222 with your name and that of guest(s) you may be attending with. If you have made bank payment, kindly include slip number.
 

Please click the following links to read more about DC:

                  www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=220352000917 
                  www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=152256034826537
                  http://www.dckiss.blogspot.com/
                 
           We look forward to inspiring and entertaining you.

ASK ME WHY I

The Youth & Singles Fellowship of RCCG Throne of Grace, Obalende invited Ms. Omolola Anne Famuyiwa, a media specialist, relationship coach and the host of Divine Connection, to minister on the theme: ASK ME WHY. Before her ministration there was a drama and a debate.

The drama was about a sister who dilly dallied with God’s will in reference to a brother she was in a relationship with. She broke off the relationship when a challenge – loss of job by the brother – reared its head. She went after a guy who was seemingly in money but later got arrested for fraud. She retraced her steps to God’s will; unfortunately he had found another rib. Many issues can be decoded from the drama whose narration was done by a “wise old man”.

1. Was the relationship actually based on God’s will?

2. Did the pastor who counseled them seek God’s face or based his approval of the courtship on confirmation by the man/woman that it is God's will?

3. Was the break up motivated by self or by God?

4. If indeed the relationship was God’s will, why did the brother not pray and wait for a reversal of the lady’s decision to break up?

5. Was it right for the brother to sign into another relationship?

6. Can the second relationship be regarded as God’s will?

7. Whose heart was broken by the break up in the initial relationship?

While I leave you to sincerely seek answers to these questions, let’s look at the debate that followed the drama:

Who are the initiators of heartbreaks? Is it the guys or the ladies?

For the debate, we had a vibrant sister and brother who represented their sexes and tried to argue out that, males or females are the initiators of heartbreaks. The woman’s points were clear:

1. Men are heartbreakers

2. Women are fashioned to support the heart so they cannot break the heart

3. If women are weaker vessels how then can they break the stronger vessels’ hearts

4. The man was present in Eden yet he broke the heart of God by letting the woman act alone.

Of course the men did not mince words in making their points clear:

1. Women are heartbreakers

2. Women have used their being fashioned close to the heart as reasons to dent the heart

3. Women in their selfishness usurped man’s role in Eden and broke God and man’s heart

4. If women could break the heart of God then they can definitely break men’s hearts

Interesting! Surprisingly, men fought their way into getting a supporting speaker but the ladies got none. But really who are the initiators of heartbreaks?

After the debate, the minister was invited to the podium and she started off after praying and introduction by asking few questions. Thereafter, she administered a questionnaire; first to the males then the females. An interesting questionnaire that generated has and hos and laughter and scream from the audience. She then shared the thoughts below before continuing with questions that led participants to share their experiences.

Not all heartbreak come from break up and not all break up lead to heartbreak. Heartbreak is present in one or both partners if the breakup is incidental, coincidental or accidental.

Take for instance a man and a woman who mutually consent to splitting because they are not willing to “faith” the issue of blood group.

Jacob may have ended up with a heart break if Rachael said no but Rachael’s life may have been saved and Jacob may have realised earlier that living a life of supplanting, a life of cheating others would not urgur well. Some heartbreak could become a life line.

Relationships are not the ultimate; what we seek is marriage. So if a relationship continues for ever and the question never comes or the lady never responds, the result is stagnancy. Except both parties have an understanding that this is a lifelong friendship which may not include tying the allegorical knot but tying the spiritual knot, a relationship is bound to break into pieces or break into new life.

An egg must crack, time, location, outcome may be different. An egg may break into new life birthing a chick. An egg may break and spill its content thereby ending its life abruptly with no benefit. An egg can break into a white life either as boiled of fried to give energy to the eater. But for an egg to fulfill its divine purpose, it must break!

Heartbreaks happen because we are flesh who may at times trust man more than we trust God. Jonah’s heart was unbroken despite all God did to compel him to go to Nineveh but his heart was broken when God removed his cover. A man or a woman could act out a heartbreak but God or Satan could be the initiator. How? Satan as we know is not interested in relationships especially those by Christians heading towards marriage. Satan sets out to break hearts because he knows that such unions are potential grounds for re-populating the Kingdom of God.

God on the other hand does not set out to break hearts only that our lack of understanding and our limited knowledge of the future make us see it as such. Take for instance a great Christian man who asked a great sister out, of course the sister wanted to say yes and was already looking forward to marraige but God said no. The sister’s heart was broken and so was the brother’s but in less than 2 years they saw why; the brother was called home. God of course knew the brother had a limited time on earth and did not want to sign the sister into a life of misery. If they had married, most people would have believed the marriage is God’s will because they were both spirit filled, ethical Christians but when the man dies soon after, more people would have blamed God for creating such sadness when in actual fact God warned against it. When a heartbreak is motivated by God, it is shortlived; only for a while. Of course Abraham’s heart was completely broken when God asked for his only child but in obeying, he witnessed one of the greatest miracles – an exchange of pain with gain.

Usually the heartbreaks motivated by Satan are as a result of lack of trust in God. So God sends you a helper or a friend but to you this man/woman has everything you want so you find a way to scheme yourself into a relationship; so what happens? God shows you His will but you look at him or her and what you see is an unbeliever and you re-quote God’s Word to Him, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers”; you look at the physical like Prophet Samuel did and you say NO. Three months down the line the woman marries someone else and becomes a believer and then your heart is broken. God sends you a man and you know from all indication that this is God’s will, you look at him and tell God, "But he is Catholic, but he is separated" and you conclude, no this CANNOT be the will of God. So you compel the man to wait in the name of praying through for an answer you have already received. The man get’s tired and pulls back the proposal and then you return to God to cry. Guess what God will do, God will lovingly embrace you as He works things out for your good hoping that this time you’d trust and obey.

A man after seeking God’s face approached a woman and the woman said, go and pray again. He returned and said you are God’s will for me and she laughed and said you better go and pray again and stop deceiving yourself. He returned and said you are God’s will for me. The sister said, if you are very sure, go and tell the pastor; knowing full well that the pastor knows her health condition. The pastor had to ask the brother to go and pray again and approach the sister only if he is 100% sure. He did (some patient brother he is!) and returned to the sister. She broke down and told him, “I am HIV+, if you change your mind now I would understand.” The brother took a deep sigh and said, if God says you are my wife, I bet He knows your status. Hard but that is what God expects of us. Today they are happily married with children and living a blissful and fulfilled life.

Often times when we say we are waiting for God’s will, what we are actually saying is that we are waiting for a physical manifestation of God’s will – single-single, fine, comfortable, mannered, moral, tongue-talking, high self esteem, refined…. Because we cannot trust like Adam and Eve did, because we cannot blindly jump when it is God saying jump, because we cannot hang on to faith and fate, we sign up for a date then we find out too much and we become so scared of the journey ahead. We forget in our instance of fear that the Lord is leading and is able to make our marital journey blissful.

Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

For the concluding part see "ASK ME WHY II".

Thanks for reading.

ASK ME WHY II

Hope you read "ASK ME WHY I"?

We left off with Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Another thing we need to note is that God’s will does not mean absence of challenges. Sarah was God’s will for Abraham yet they waited for years and even tried to help God before the promised son came. Eve was God’s will for Adam yet the apple challenge that sent them out of Eden came, the loss of one son and the banishment of another came. A sister, who was once counseled to sign into God’s will by the minister, ran back claiming she probably did not hear well and so she wanted out. Why? She miscarried after 5 months into the marriage by which time the husband had become impotent! Ms. Famuyiwa encouraged her to hang in there, the pull from other men she thought were better choices was stronger but she prayerfully faced the challenge with support from other M&WOG. Today, she has three children by the same man and others who had no clue of the challenge that made the couple’s bond stronger use them as prayer point, “Lord God, if only you give me X or Y, I would never consider divorce”. If God tested the trust of man-Jesus, if He tested the trust of blameless Abraham, what gives you the erroneous opinion you will not be tested? He did not say you will not pass through fire but that He will be there when (not if) you do. So how do you differentiate? The challenge that emanates from self will may kill, maim, dent or break your heart but that which comes out of God’s will would strengthen and build you if your trust can stand the test of time.

Ephesians 1:11. In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will. As Christians, because of the inheritance we have received most (if not all) things that come to us are in line with God’s own will! The instruction for Abraham to kill his son was in line with God’s will, the delay in conception for Hannah who was in a polygamous relationship was according to God’s will. I don’t know why Hannah entered a polygamous relationship but my Bible tells me God shut her womb! Later on God ushered the greatest prophet that ever lived into the womb of this polygamous woman. If you and I were to judge, we would say that Rachael merely took what belonged to her but perhaps God did not see it that way. Why did God shut her womb? I do not know exactly but I know that God may have delayed her conception for a divine reason. She was so upset that even when God chose to relocate her she hid the wooden gods and incurred the wrath of her father which led to her death in that tragic love story.

The questionnaire administered, unknown to the participants, had 24 profiles each for females and males. Participants were told to shade or leave un-shaded the profiles of those they cannot marry or can marry respectively. The analysis of the questionnaire which could not be done during the programme is far below and tells you more about whether we truly wait for God’s will. The questions I asked after and the interesting discoveries about the activity are as follows:

Questions:
1. What is the average number of “opportunities” you meet in a month?
2. Who shaded the most? Why?
3. Assuming these are part of the characteristics of male/females God sends you, one after the other, in 2 years and you shaded or shielded them?
4. So if you are still unmarried in 2 years who is to blame?
5. Are there people who partly shaded a box because they were unsure of how to answer?

Responses:
1. Female participants agreed that an average of 2 “opportunities” approach them monthly. Male participants say they meet an average of 12 "opportunities" in a month
3. Least: 1(F) signifying she was open to anyone except a younger man
4. Least: 24(M) signifying he wasn’t open to any of the profiles
5. Few participants partly shaded few boxes

Discoveries:
1. Choices were self motivated; nobody prayed before choosing
2. People chose according to physical description of profiles
3. Nobody asked further questions about the profiles
4. Most participants kept looking forward to better options until the profiles ended and they realised their options were not limitless
5. Participants seem to believe that God’s will should be “perfect”. Believers may pull out of a relationship when “imperfect” characteristics appear. Usually they site not hearing well from God as reason for breaking off an initial God’s will relationship

QUESTIONNAIRE ANALYSIS

Of the 31 CHRISTIAN men that participated in the activity:
 19 would not marry a woman who is ugly
 25 would not marry a woman who is flat-chested
 20 would not marry a woman who has a child from a previous relationship
 10 would not marry a woman who is not in man's class
 8 would not marry a woman who believes she is equal to man
 15 would not marry a woman who is very tall
 21 would not marry a woman who is fat (orobo)
 21 would not marry a woman who cannot cook
 13 would not marry a woman who expects to share house chores with man
 9 would not marry a woman who is very, very rich and accomplished
 20 would not marry a woman who is crippled
 23 would not marry a woman who has fibroids
 19 would not marry a woman who may not have children due to earlier abortion
 19 would not marry a woman who makes up heavily
 21 would not marry a woman who is a staunch Muslim
 15 would not marry a woman whose mother hates him
 17 would not marry a woman whose siblings disrespect him
 15 would not marry a woman who is too spiritual; does not allow hug/peck
 26 would not marry a woman who is dirty or whose room is always untidy
 19 would not marry a woman who is a divorcee or/and older
 22 would not marry a woman who is a stark illiterate
 22 would not marry a woman who drinks beer
 10 would not marry a woman who has a lot of male friends
 15 would not marry a woman who wants sex before marriage

Of the 27 CHRISTIAN women that participated in the activity:
 17 would not marry a man who is a divorcee
 14 would not marry a man who is separated from his first wife
 12 would not marry a man who is very ugly
 7 would not marry a man who is unemployed
 11 would not marry a man who has first school leaving certificate
 20 would not marry a man who has local accent/doesn't speak good English
 19 would not marry a man who has HIV/AIDS
 11 would not marry a man who has no dress sense
 19 would not marry a man who has low self esteem
 13 would not marry a man who is very short
 20 would not marry a man who has skin condition that makes his face swell
 19 would not marry a man who is crippled
 22 would not marry a man who is blind
 17 would not marry a man who is a Muslim
 9 would not marry a man who is younger
 16 would not marry a man who is not born again
 6 would not marry a man who is not from her race (Iraqi, Indian etc)
 16 would not marry a man whose father is a herbalist
 12 would not marry a man whose mother is very wicked
 17 would not marry a man who sees women as second class citizen
 17 would not marry a man who wants sex before marriage
 5 would not marry a man who likes phone sex talk
 16 would not marry a man who likes women a lot
 23 would not marry a man who smokes

WHAO! So who is left to be married? Where is God's will in the numbers?

Adam saw and accepted Eve with only a confirmation, “This is the bone of my bone, she shall be called woman”, no query! The confirmation stood only on the premise that Eve is God's will. Today we dissect and reset God’s will and fashion out our will from it. God sent Foluke an Adejare that drinks beer, has a lot of female friends and was a boxer; an easy candidate for illegibility! She confirmed him, signed into marriage and that seemingly foolish trust in God has etched out a global master piece whose trademark has become "Let somebody shout halleluyah".

In conclusion, man, woman is the ground through which Satan initiates a lasting heartbreak ONLY BECAUSE we do not trust God enough to blindly follow God’s will.

Thanks for reading.

Discovery!

Some of the realities we are faced with today are what we witnessed at the DC KISS 14.02.10:

1. Fewer men than women. A number of guys who signed up to attend the event developed cold feet! We didn't envisage this. On on our part we’d have to do more to draw them in. We can all help by inviting guys around us. You may not fancy those you invite but you will be giving them an opportunity to connect with or to someone.

The truth that this drives home is that women have to be ready to do the asking; so he comes around you and wouldn't talk or invite you for a date so what should you do? Go ahead and invite him to a date! Hopefully he'll relax and do what a man should do.

2. Low level of interaction. Guests gravitated towards their friends or gender but we can solve this by consciously deciding to mingle with others regardless of gender, age or status. You may have felt like na man I wan meet but these females, younger folks etc have brothers, cousins, friends who may be or provide the link you require.

Gentlemen and ladies, we need to interact more. Don't hide in your shell interact!

3. Conventional conditioning. The scripts given to participants never said use the head tie to make a head gear or knot the tie. The script said, be innovative but all the participants did the same thing! The conventional thing. Also the script did not say don't ask for help but most of the participants did not ask their partners for help. What am I saying?

We need to take a walk away from tradition to melt the heart of those we hook up with. We also need to ask for help. A woman knows better how to use head tie and a man knows better how to knot a tie; should you not be sure how to make your partner happy, ask him/her.

4. Comparing. Those who participated measured what they were doing by the standard of others on the stage. We do that in our relationships forgetting personalities differ. Only one participant tried to match the colour of the tie she chose with the colour of the shirt worn by partner.

In life we may not always get to choose, at times choice is thrust at us. If one participant had used the material to tie a bow or as a wrapper, I bet another would have followed suit. Let’s blaze our own trail and make it something worth copying.

5. Unpreparedness. Those who participated in "Between U & I" were unprepared. Let's face it; a number of the guy meet gal episodes are mostly unplanned. If a man stumbles over his words, that is not the time to crush his ego and if a woman does the asking, it doesn't mean she is cheap. I particularly liked the lady who offered to pay for cab; just do it if it makes you happy and/or would move the relationship forward.

In business partnerships as in relationships, often one person get's the big picture and would have to work to ignite the same passion in the other person.

I decided to give you a taste of the third edition of our newsletter. The newsletter is a prelude to our magazine for mature singles. We are prayerfully considering a name for the magazine; kindly send us your suggestion if you did not do so at the event. The newsletter sells for N50 per copy. If you were inspired by the two editions you received at the event, kindly sponsor copies for colleagues, church members, community and family folks etc. Together we can create enduring relationships.

If you found the event worthwhile tell others. If we fell short, tell us. We have taken your feedback to heart and we promise to grow to your delight. Our next event would take place in May. Those who were sponsored to KISS would be allowed to bring a friend for a full fee while those who sponsored themselves would be allowed to participate at half fee just as a way of giving back. We hope you'll find time to attend and encourage others to do so. Comments about how much fun you had can be sent to be included in the next newsletter.

I appreciate you and pray that your vision will find wings to soar as you connect to purpose.

Seeking Mate?

Are you single single? I mean unattached in soul, mind and body? If so, send your profile and we would prayerfully link you up. Presently we have three men interested in connecting for the possibility of marriage.

1. Widower, with 2 children, in his late 40s seek mature female. Interested? Contact Host, DC.

2. Single in his mid-30s seek pretty mature female between 30 and 40. Interested? Contact Host, DC.

3. Single. Medical Doctor. 35 years. Needs wife. Reside in Abuja

4. Single in mid-30s seek professional man between 40 and 45. Interested? Contact Host, DC.

Feel free to add your profile.

Together we can create and nurture enduring relationships. Be there!!!

Tap into your DC

A member asked, “He has been hanging around me for months, how do I find out what he really wants?” The simple response that set her free was, “Ask!” We are with you on this journey; feel free to contact us or send us your questions and comments via Facebook so others can benefit.

With N50 you can connect a friend, with N500 you can share DC with 5 – 10 people. With N5,000 you can become a full fledged member and have access to direct counsel, review of your previous relationship(s) and profiling through which you may be linked to a matching profile. With N25,000 you can co-sponsor our monthly meetings. With N50,000 you can co-sponsor our regional meeting. With N500, 000 you can co-sponsor our book project.

With support from partners we have begun work on two books that will minister to mature singles, those who work with them and those who wish to support our cause to create blissful marriages. 

Don’t sit on the fence, be a BIG part of what we are doing! The more we get together the more we can demystify singlehood and create loving environments where enduring relationships can grow.

We are planning a beach or cruise event for one of our regional meetings. Let's have your ideas on how to serve you.

Contact: annecares@hotmail.com.

Character: A Visible Key

Character is a visible key. Like smoke it comes off you.

I was speaking to a man of God the other day, “I don’t know what their problem is, they come around but they just don’t talk!” Then he baited me by saying, “So you don’t play along? You mean you don’t know how to make them talk?” From my response he must have read my no-nonsense personality. He went on to ask about my Dad’s occupation – Police Man! I never saw it until he pointed it out. What baggage do we carry from our parents that we don’t necessarily need?

You may not be able to print “virgin” on your forehead, even where you do s/he’d have to get there to confirm so it wouldn’t be so much use until later. You may be able to print "from a morally conscious home" on your palm but even quicker than that s/he would would perceive your person from the first interaction.

Though you’ve spent your entire life living the Christian life and you are frustrated that all your seed of morality and service in God’s vineyard isn’t amounting to much, you need to bury your frustration and just be personable; “He that must be a friend must show himself/herself friendly.”

Share your opinion about the place of character in building a Godly relationship.

Love: What package does it come in?

Over the years men and women seem to have a definite idea of the packaging love should come in... Must be single, must not have a child, must be educated, must at least be good looking, must be a Christian, must speak good English...

But, how well does the packaging match the content especially when you start counting the days, months and years? Should pre-conceived notions, societal expectations and family doctrines determine where your heart goes?

What matters most?

You'd agree with me that yes or no goes beyond what is visible to others. Let's discuss what motivates your response in deciding to go the extra mile with admirers.

Why?

This would be a group where we'd really ask and answer questions that would connect us to destiny. So feel free to ask and be magnanimous in your response.

The first query that comes to my mind is - Why do more men and women look outside the Body of Christ for relationships?

Dating Advice: 7 Mistakes

I got some tips from a review on Lori Gottlieb’s new book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough and I’ll like to share same with you.

The same unrealistic expectations we have about dating, about courtship, we have about marriage, too. Married people have said that this book makes them appreciate their husbands more. Here’s what a number of single women do that we might want to reconsider:

1. Compromise.
Write down all the reasons a guy would not want to date you. You’d be surprised that what you think of as endearing and cool may be annoying to someone else. According to Gottlieb, he would love you so much that he would overlook those things. And you need to overlook things in him. Everybody has to compromise.

2. Limitless Options.
You walk into a store and you know you want a bag and it has to go with these shoes and it has to be this colour, and you’d like it to be affordable. You find something great, but you wonder if there’s something better out there, so you keep searching. In the end, after three more weeks of searching for the perfect bag; was it so much better than the one you could have bought originally? Whether it’s with men or bags, if you just think you have unlimited options for the rest of your life, of course you’ll keep looking.

3. Judgmental.
Gottlieb: “The guys I interviewed for the book said women judge them so much. Women gave me 300 reasons they wouldn’t go on a second date with a guy, and men gave 3. When guys are ready for that stage of life, they find someone who is good enough that they’re totally in love with. Guys don’t sit and micro-analyze a woman the way a woman would with a man. He knows she’s not as hot, not as accomplished or not as funny as the last girl he dated, but that’s okay. She’s hot enough.”

4. Pickier.
With online dating, we judge based on objective criteria (height, weight), rather than subjective (attraction), which you can’t judge until you meet the person. When you read other people’s profiles, don’t make assumptions or rule them out because of one thing they wrote. You can fall in love with a guy who wrote that he likes Pasuma, but you can’t fall in love with a guy who isn’t kind.

5. Selective.
In cities where you find a lot of really ambitious, Type-A, driven people, like in Lagos and PH, with the entertainment and business…you get a lot of ‘maximizers’ [people who keep looking over their shoulder for something better]. Maximizer women date maximizer men. The men who are actually available and wanting commitment and who are smart and funny and cute - maybe one guy is a short, so he’s not getting the women. Maybe he’s not smooth initially or in big groups, but he is one-on-one. These are the kind of people who when you’re 35, 45, 55, that you’ll be happy with when you’re married, and the guy who is super charming at the party and has the crowd of women around him, maybe he’s not going to make as good of a husband. Maybe he’s not going to call you back. That guy is going to be judgmental and picky, and who wants that?”

6. Love.
Gottlieb: “We don’t need a man. We don’t. But if you want one don’t go around with this attitude of ‘I love me more.” [what Samantha said in the Sex and the City movie, after she dumps a hot guy who helped her through cancer (and female audiences cheered)]. A relationship is about reciprocity, so you need to love yourself and you need to be able to have some selflessness and love somebody else. If you don’t want to be alone you need to love someone enough to let them love you and fill your loneliness

7. Interest.
Gottlieb: “We say, ‘I’m a writer, but he doesn’t read! I’m creative.’ But people can be creative in different ways, and the fact that he doesn’t read the same books that you do, well, maybe he wants someone who he can talk about the baseball game with but you’re not that person. The guy doesn’t have to be one-stop shopping. You’re not going to share every single interest, and that’s okay. The shared interest should be, “Do we want the same things out of life? Do we both want to be married right now?”

Marry Him is in stores in US, UK, NG & online.