Wisdom for Widows

He called. My husband called. After 9 years of marriage, it had become tradition to call as he is approaching home. He would tell me about his day and ask about the children and me. He ended his call with, “I love you.” Usually my response is, “Me too”. “Woman! Which one is me too?” We laughed. I didn’t grow up verbalising love; he often let me be. I smiled and said, “I love you.” And he said, “I love you more. Never forget that.” Some minutes later my phone rang again. I smiled as I picked the call but it was not his voice… He had been in an accident. I rushed to be by his side. He fell into coma due to negligent doctors. He never came out of it. Unplanned, unprepared, unprotected, I entered into the journey called WIDOWHOOD.

This story, which mirrors shared experience by members of Cares Global Network and Bola Memorial Watch’s Walk With Widows Initiative, is one that is common. What is uncommon is the staggering statistics of widows and percentage in abject poverty. I’ll share 5 financial tips and 5 wellness tips for widows. Believe me when I say they would come in handy for every woman.

Many women are potential widows. If you are married or marriage is envisaged, the day may come when your man would exit. Death is neither by gender nor age but statistics show that women are more likely to outlive men; historically women marry older men. In Nigeria, there are over 2 million widows. In USA over 1 million women are widowed annually; corona virus increased that number. The population of widows to widowers in Nigeria is 2:1, while it is 4:1 in USA.

Women are beginning to move up the social ladder but the probability of women earning less is higher. Women have fewer opportunities to earn income. Widowhood throws widows into financial outage or low current. Probate Laws are unfavourable to women especially when Living Will is not mandatory. In-laws could manipulate the judicial system with bribe and many countries have discriminatory laws that leave widows stranded. Estate valued at over $4.5M was wrestled from me with limited possibility of recovery without legal access. I am trusting God for a miracle.

 
1. Prayer

I am adding this first. You need a Divine Anchor. After going through stages of grief depending on how and when widowhood happened, you need DIVINITY to carry on. Some have become depressive, psychotic or even die shortly after losing spouse.

2. Planning and Preparation 

Women need to take active part in financial planning. Where widowed, planning is compulsory. If you have young children in a sane country, the system may give support. Gone are the days when it was fashionable to be housewife. No matter how affluent your husband is, even where named on assets, depending on when and how he acquired them, you may be cut off. It is best to ensure you have a career, business, job, or investment that you can grow now to serve you well later.

3. Positioning 

Whether your husband is a pastor, practitioner or politician, if you are not positioned to take over or carry on; you may be edged out by policies or politics. If he is involved in something for which you serve as backup or conduit, know enough to step in. Know his network, banker, attorneys, tenants etc.

4. Process 

No matter how many years you have lived with someone except you have gone through the legal, religious or traditional process, you may find yourself out in the rain in event of death. If you are not a signatory and have no formal authority, you can be logged or locked out when he dies. If you have no Power of Attorney for medical or properties, you may not have a say when he is unwell or need to make decisions. Follow due process.

5. Protection (Probate) 

You can avoid probate if you have done necessary documentation to be part of your spouse’s affairs. As signatory, you can carry on. Once death occurs, if there is no Living Will, ensure you legally do Probate for your protection. The odds are stacked against widows without children. It is why more people must call for access to JUSTICE for all. Some would raise funds to fight to take it all, if you are standing alone. While you are mourning, some may sneak in to extend the borders of grief. Whether you have sane or insane in-laws, it is important to safeguard things, distribute early and move ahead. The decision to sell or hold assets should be wisely made. Be sure everyone deserving gets something, for your peace.

As I always say, beyond legality is humanity. "The price of peace is eternal vigilance." This quote attributed to George Marshall and others, holds true. How vigilant are you when the future you have no clue about drums cues and cries of death around you? Many things threaten our peace – children (presence or absence), finance, investment, projects, job, politics, family, war, virus, and of course spousal death. Peace is fundamentally a spiritual issue. Yet, there is a price to pay for peace.

You will agree with me that when a beloved spouse departs, peace becomes an anchor. Peace can be defined as harmony with self, God and humanity. Beyond learning skills to foster peace, putting things in place helps. Thing that can promote peace in the face of death includes strategic planning, preparedness and perspective. I used to complain about my husband not picking me from the airport. I got home one day and he was not there and never coming back. Positive perspective aids peace, see good in people and in things.

Few years ago God gave me a maxim, “Life is a web of decisions.” At every point, high point or low point, we must make decisions that foster peace. This births stability and mental wellness Martin Luther King Jr. said, “True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice.” Eleanor Roosevelt said, “It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Money cannot literally buy peace. This is why some rich people commit suicide. To be well you must have resources to consciously sow wellness and reap the grace therefrom. The price of peace is to sow and grow the S.E.E.D.S of wellness:

1. Sleep well. In sleep we are blessed with divine energy for the journey ahead. God was able to draw out delicate Eve when distressed Adam slept. When we are asleep, cells tackle sickness in the body and mind (immune system). If the person being mourned left the things acquired, you would one day leave them too.

2. Eat well to nourish your spirit, soul and body - eyes, head, skin, mouth, hand and nose. The glow in our skin was achieved by MAMI who gave us milk with honey EVERY night till age 5. She was a Wonder Woman who came ahead of her time. Feed your body with the right exercise and energy for the right emotion. Feed your mind with good books that would give you transformational ideas to make you a global sensation. Your words feed your mind; self-talk must be filled with grace. Meditate and pray well. Sex is soul food; please enjoy it. Sexual urge may not auto-disappear when spouse dies.

3. Encourage your wellness by empowering or educating yourself and others in your area of influence, to enjoy peace in old age. To avoid becoming a push over, learn skills. In 1997, I told myself that my Philosophy degree was enough. To serve and lead in ways that births peace, by 2015 I received 4 more degrees. When you encourage yourself, you become strong enough to keep depression, dejection and disillusionment out.

4. Dress well; you and your loved ones. This attracts grace to you and excites your soul, body and mind. It serves you peace and creates aura that attracts blessings. No one is ugly; take time to groom. Pay attention to your nails. Dress the way you want to be addressed. To dress your home and mind well, de-clutter and detach. There was a time I was so overwhelmed; I had two options – suicide or separation. Suicide was impossible; I detached from many groups. Remove toxic people from your network. Learn to detach from unprofitable ventures.

5. Support. By supporting others to stand up for justice or promote societal good, you will earn peace. Join a religious community or non-profit group that gives back. By praying together or receiving support, you would have peace. Hug, laughter and music while socialising with family, friends and folks near and dear triggers the release of happy hormones, oxytocin. This makes you feel naturally good. Spending time with loved ones requires less energy; being there is enough. To chill without frills serve peace.

Dr. Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa is a minister and counsellor who is 

passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.