When Death Comes Unannounced

Dear Brethren,

How are you today? May your mind be safeguarded against the depression that comes with loss of loved ones

I have no idea what state you are in. I am pained that I am not there. But I am praying that God will hold you, comfort you and carry you.

I know you have a lot on your mind... I still can’t process this. I spoke to him... We prayed for healing. We expected healing. I have questions but who do I ask. I woke up this morning with a song. I recorded it later at work: youtu.be/9_3kVN_ER2M. I pray it speaks to you beyond the limited words.

Life is for the living. No matter how pained we are, the living must go on living. My prayer has been for you who is at the centre of this... and the children.

In the face of death, some are bereaved and some are relieved. As you go through a state of bereavement, PLEASE choose to remember and focus on the positives at this time. It will help your mind. No matter what you discover or uncover, remember only the positives.

Whether elaborate or modest, how we coordinate events especially funeral of beloved may serve us peace, panic or pain, add to our grief or relieve it. Please celebrate your husband as best as he would have loved to be celebrated. He remains a gift to you and the children.

I have written out ideas you can explore; typed out specially for you earlier today... I was going to send it in chunks but with email, I have edited and I am sending as whole. We can talk about them when you have a moment. I will keep praying for God’s guidance and guardiance.

May God’s peace wash over you.

COVID PROTOCOL 

Please follow. People should NOT die as a result of attending funeral. Consider hosting a covid compliant event in your locality rather than having many people travel. My mind does not support you travelling but if it will give you peace, go with security folks (with or without the corpse) and stay limited days. Covid and his condition is perfect excuse. “The doctor said...” should be enough... If not burying in the village you can plan a service of songs for there, go and return. Discuss your logistics with only inner folks. If doing the service in the village, be surrounded by those whose love is undoubtful, especially your own siblings.

Children

If they can all come home, let them come. Their father won’t die twice and you need their presence and support. With prayers they will arrive and return safely in Jesus name.

Care for yourself and children

Be sure only positive people are around you. Put a sensible spiritual person in charge to ensure you are not put through any nonsense mourning rites or rituals. You need to sleep well and eat regularly. Sadly some will question how you cry and why you are hungry. Be with people who love you whether in or out of your home. Be mindful if you go to the village... Covid is perfect reason not to go but weigh your options. Have someone with you to ensure you take your medications. Get a nurse to check your vitals... Let me know if you want me to arrange this.

Obituary Poster

The less information, the less argumentative it becomes. Some expect to be given copies. The choice of who to give should be prayerfully guided.

Burial Site

If you decide to bury in the village home, a memorial stone on the wall of the house is better than having a visible monument. It is mentally draining for you and the children to keep seeing the burial site each time you visit. If it is not bothersome, do it within the compound. A visible structure may be what many prefer but, it could affect your psyche if in the house. If in Lagos, use a burial site close and do whatever gives you peace - head stone etc. If burial ground, delegate those who would supervise cementing immediately to forestall any nefarious or diabolical plans. Headstone can be done later but do it as soon as possible for your peace.

Grief Counselling 

Important. I will personally take you through this by sending info now and then. Feel free to ask questions. Do sanity check, practice breathing in and out, sleep on your side (if on back, prop with pillows), watch bp, take medications, stay calm, eat balanced meals (inside with one or two with you is better), cry... Please do NOT be angry with anyone. Talk less. Move away from aggravation. At intervals ask to be excused by those paying condolence so you can rest. I will check on you from time to time. Check on the children regularly and continue the weekly meetings once the funeral is over. Have male mentor you respect reach them with prayer and guidance.

Estate Planning 

Documents, bank signature swap, letter of administration or probate (if required; you don’t need it if everything is jointly owned with your name on real estate and account but if not, this is where wicked folks would target), debt, assets, liabilities etc. Feel free to ask questions.

Relatives

Ask for how they do things in their tribe (if different from yours); have someone ask on your behalf. This is a defense. Be sure to include all the key people in the programme and memorial project. Be sure to carry them along and give them a role. You need not do it yourself, have a trusted and respected person do this. When it comes to what to wear, only focus on yourself and the children to mitigate infightings about "she gave others, she did not give me". Just pick a colour.

Undertaker

Choose any but be modest. Tell them what you want or have someone do so on your behalf. For instance if you do not want viewing, immediately after you view, have them lock casket and hand you or a delegated person the key. Evil people do a lot with the body and casket. 

Rings/Jewellery

If anyone demands your rings, DO NOT GIVE. If they can make such demand, PLEASE keep them at home. Some cultures ask for them. Keep yours and your husband’s own. If you choose to wear them later, you can do so or remake them into earring or neck chain. Please do not wear any jewellery for the programmes. If you choose to, make it pin earrings only. People make so much fuss about it.

Flowers 

Natural are better but they remind us that death is inevitable. You can have undertakers do wreath. Artificial used for the event can be given at the end of event as gifts to siblings or close relatives who attend or you can use to decorate the home or your room.

Reception

Ushers, servers, cleaners and security etc. Be sure they are well dressed and comport themselves to maintain a solemn aura.

Souvenirs

Think outside the box if doing, you can give out mask, welfare packs etc. Book Markers or Prayer Cards (you may have Bible verses and a short comment and courtesy “Children” or Wife and Children”)

Condolence Register 

This can be positioned where those arriving can sign or for your guests - you will not “see” all those who attend or visit the house. Have column for phone as well as email (many may not write their numbers).

Family Album 

If any, this should be manned so someone does not take away. This can be on the condolence register table. Flipping through images to see the bond he had with you and the children reminds some wicked people that he loved his family and would prefer no meddling or abuse.

Picture easel stand (or actual picture frame)

This should be close to the condolence register table or his pictures can be on walls or directly on table. If used in church, remember to delegate someone to remove thereafter. You can make it the responsibility of the undertakers.

Lights 

A well lit event brightens minds and keeps thieves away.

Colour Code (dressing and event) 

This should reflect age of the deceased. Try to choose navy blue or white . Please NO BLACK. Grief drags the mind down; black makes melancholy worse.

Reception

I did not hold a reception because my husband was less than 60, also we have different cultures and my husband had no... What I did was snack and food packs; it was handed out as people left the service of songs and church service. A special one was made for the ministers and choir. No matter how sad death is, that he lived is worthy of acknowledgement and celebration.

Reception Sitting (observe distancing...)

The distancing will also help to keep evil folks at bay

Those to be seated include: Family/Colleagues/Friends/Church Members. For Neighbours (food packs or welfare packs). Ministers...

Music 

DJ is best considering covid but local dj or group to reflect the music of the area/tribe is not a bad idea, be sure to tell them to dress well and keep the music spiritual, solemn, sane.

Coverage

Photography does not have to be expensive but it has to be quality. Many do videos but who watches? But it helps you see who attended and what happened. You will not see or hear many things until later. Digital pictures can be recreated into video later. Documentary slide can be done using his pictures and pictures with you and the children (keep short if doing). 

Invitations 

Digital or text messaging is best so no one is running helter skelter. If you do cards have someone to take to those who matter. 

Brochure

Do something quality. Include his bio and written tributes from key people. You can also do a website. I can set up for you or one of the children can do it. Here is my husband’s forevermissed.com/Omoteso.

Tributes (spoken, incorporated in programme)

Comments, poems or songs by those close to deceased or others (pick otherwise everyone will wish to speak)

Food

Be sure not to under cook. If you over cook, the needy around the area can benefit. Consider more water than alcoholic or non alcoholic beverages. Folks from your tribe would donate too. Do not reject any but have prayer folks praying over everything. Malt and tonic are good for health reasons. Wine is unnecessary as many now go away with whole bottles. If you provide for your guests, ensure you give to his siblings as well, even if not as much as yours. 

Money

Believe it or not, some will come to you for transport, if you do funeral in the village. Rather than be annoyed have 500 or 1000 someone by you can give out. Please pray over a pack of notes, if possible anoint ahead. Your kindness would not become an inroad to satanists in Jesus name.

Husband’s Things

I just added this now. His most important assets now are his phone and laptop. The passwords are likely still active use it to gain entry and copy important things. Pay attention to what is important... For now it is best to just safe guard them and keep them out of reach. Have his room locked and the home security boosted. An undercover patrol person can be at the house.

I will love you through this!

Love always

Dr. Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa is a minister andn counsellor who is 

passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.