Motunrayo: The Encourager

Motunrayo Oluwaseun Ololade mi Adunni o

Motunrayo Oluwaseun Ololade mi Adunni o

 

I am unsure who came up with this song, probably MAMI or me but it is one I sang repeatedly to Motunrayo Famuyiwa now Alaka as well. 

 

I was 2 days short of 8 when she was born on May 25, 1981. Naturally, I became her caregiver, baby sitter and mum in MAMI's absence. It is challenging to sum up a sister's love or to verbalise it at that age but the bond we had growing up is such that when an accident occurred with Motun strapped on my back, I chose to take the hit and got harmed; which left me with a lifetime mark on my face. 

 

Looking back, had I not taken the hit and taken what I wear proudly as one of my badges of honour, the world would have been denied this amazing bundle of encouragement. Could it have been courage that made me do what I did? At 8, I had no idea what courage was. But from very young, my parents fed me with the Bible and God grew in me the heart of empathy, which welled in me instinct - through the power of the Holy Spirit. I have the ability to smell rain and see danger. I grew up bold - instilled in me directly by my parents who gave me “big” responsibilities early in life. It was not until 2020 I asked, what was a baby doing on my back at 8! 

 

I am blessed to see the strides Motunrayo has made as a child of the Almighty God, daughter of Ibiyemi and Olukunle, sister of Bamidele, Omolola, Olurotimi, and Olufikayo, wife of Babjide, mothe beyond her homer, mentor, preacher, journalist, crusader for daring investigative journalism beyond Nigeria.

 

In a dark world, my dear sister has been a light; a light shining hope into lives that in turn keep the light of emancipation aglow in a world where men still make it a task to keep women under. From Araromi, to Abeokuta to Ado-Ekiti, to Akoka to America, her light is shinning so brightly that humanity sees her good works and glorify Our Father in Heaven (Matthew 5.16). Her husband, friends and children call her blessed, her parents and siblings call her graced. Graced to preach, graced to teach and graced to reach the marginalised and underserved with the light of truth. 

 

You are indeed a graceful gift to humanity!

 

When I thought of a gift for Motunrayo’s 40th, I didn’t have to think too had because Holy Spirit dropped the gift of a book in my mind - one largely written in Motunrayo's hands and packaged confidentially with love as keepsake for you and yours; a testament of undying love from a sister who is prayerfully propelling, knowing that you still have much more to give as heaven pours out renewed and refreshed anointing for you to excel in all areas of caring, calling and career for the healing of our world.

 

Happy 40th Dearest Motunrayo!

 

Motunrayo Famuyiwa-Alaka

Chief Executive Officer ~ Wole Soyinka Centre for Investigative Journalism

Motunrayo Adunni Alaka is a communications strategist motivated by issues of media development, social entrepreneurship, inclusive governance, gender mainstreaming and value-driven leadership. At present, Alaka leads the Wole Soyinka Centre for Investigative Journalism, a pioneering organisation promoting investigative reporting in Nigeria.

 

She holds a degree in political science from the University of Ado-Ekiti and a Master’s Degree in Diplomacy and Strategic Studies from the University of Lagos. In 2019, Motunrayo joined others for the life-changing John S. Knight Journalism Fellowships at Stanford University in California, USA.

 

Motunrayo Alaka is particularly excited about issues of communications development, social entrepreneurship, inclusive governance, gender mainstreaming and value-driven leadership. Motunrayo Alaka led the inauguration of the Nigerian Network for Investigative Journalism in 2011. She has developed programmes, strategies, curriculums and harnessed resources in people, competences and funds in the last 10 years to directly train over 730 reporters; mentor at least 86, and influence the publication of about 170 human-angle reports across the Nigerian media on issues about girls and women, education, oil and gas, and electricity. A passion for media excellence has also seen her initiate media monitoring on various issues.

 

Motunrayo was instrumental to the creation of the Report Women Programme and its Female Reporters Leadership leg that has triggered discourses around gender issues in newsrooms and beyond. She produced a documentary – Report Women: Untold Stories of Girls and Women in Nigeria which is available online. She serves as resource person for various organisations on research, communications, governance and development strategy.

 

Motunrayo Famuyiwa-Alaka has worked in journalism, media solutions design, communications, investigative reporting, civil society advancement and social entrepreneurship since 2005. She is one of the pioneer advocates for the development of investigative reporting and accountability journalism in Nigeria.

Dr. Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa is a minister who

 is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.

When Death Comes Unannounced

Dear Brethren,

How are you today? May your mind be safeguarded against the depression that comes with loss of loved ones

I have no idea what state you are in. I am pained that I am not there. But I am praying that God will hold you, comfort you and carry you.

I know you have a lot on your mind... I still can’t process this. I spoke to him... We prayed for healing. We expected healing. I have questions but who do I ask. I woke up this morning with a song. I recorded it later at work: youtu.be/9_3kVN_ER2M. I pray it speaks to you beyond the limited words.

Life is for the living. No matter how pained we are, the living must go on living. My prayer has been for you who is at the centre of this... and the children.

In the face of death, some are bereaved and some are relieved. As you go through a state of bereavement, PLEASE choose to remember and focus on the positives at this time. It will help your mind. No matter what you discover or uncover, remember only the positives.

Whether elaborate or modest, how we coordinate events especially funeral of beloved may serve us peace, panic or pain, add to our grief or relieve it. Please celebrate your husband as best as he would have loved to be celebrated. He remains a gift to you and the children.

I have written out ideas you can explore; typed out specially for you earlier today... I was going to send it in chunks but with email, I have edited and I am sending as whole. We can talk about them when you have a moment. I will keep praying for God’s guidance and guardiance.

May God’s peace wash over you.

COVID PROTOCOL 

Please follow. People should NOT die as a result of attending funeral. Consider hosting a covid compliant event in your locality rather than having many people travel. My mind does not support you travelling but if it will give you peace, go with security folks (with or without the corpse) and stay limited days. Covid and his condition is perfect excuse. “The doctor said...” should be enough... If not burying in the village you can plan a service of songs for there, go and return. Discuss your logistics with only inner folks. If doing the service in the village, be surrounded by those whose love is undoubtful, especially your own siblings.

Children

If they can all come home, let them come. Their father won’t die twice and you need their presence and support. With prayers they will arrive and return safely in Jesus name.

Care for yourself and children

Be sure only positive people are around you. Put a sensible spiritual person in charge to ensure you are not put through any nonsense mourning rites or rituals. You need to sleep well and eat regularly. Sadly some will question how you cry and why you are hungry. Be with people who love you whether in or out of your home. Be mindful if you go to the village... Covid is perfect reason not to go but weigh your options. Have someone with you to ensure you take your medications. Get a nurse to check your vitals... Let me know if you want me to arrange this.

Obituary Poster

The less information, the less argumentative it becomes. Some expect to be given copies. The choice of who to give should be prayerfully guided.

Burial Site

If you decide to bury in the village home, a memorial stone on the wall of the house is better than having a visible monument. It is mentally draining for you and the children to keep seeing the burial site each time you visit. If it is not bothersome, do it within the compound. A visible structure may be what many prefer but, it could affect your psyche if in the house. If in Lagos, use a burial site close and do whatever gives you peace - head stone etc. If burial ground, delegate those who would supervise cementing immediately to forestall any nefarious or diabolical plans. Headstone can be done later but do it as soon as possible for your peace.

Grief Counselling 

Important. I will personally take you through this by sending info now and then. Feel free to ask questions. Do sanity check, practice breathing in and out, sleep on your side (if on back, prop with pillows), watch bp, take medications, stay calm, eat balanced meals (inside with one or two with you is better), cry... Please do NOT be angry with anyone. Talk less. Move away from aggravation. At intervals ask to be excused by those paying condolence so you can rest. I will check on you from time to time. Check on the children regularly and continue the weekly meetings once the funeral is over. Have male mentor you respect reach them with prayer and guidance.

Estate Planning 

Documents, bank signature swap, letter of administration or probate (if required; you don’t need it if everything is jointly owned with your name on real estate and account but if not, this is where wicked folks would target), debt, assets, liabilities etc. Feel free to ask questions.

Relatives

Ask for how they do things in their tribe (if different from yours); have someone ask on your behalf. This is a defense. Be sure to include all the key people in the programme and memorial project. Be sure to carry them along and give them a role. You need not do it yourself, have a trusted and respected person do this. When it comes to what to wear, only focus on yourself and the children to mitigate infightings about "she gave others, she did not give me". Just pick a colour.

Undertaker

Choose any but be modest. Tell them what you want or have someone do so on your behalf. For instance if you do not want viewing, immediately after you view, have them lock casket and hand you or a delegated person the key. Evil people do a lot with the body and casket. 

Rings/Jewellery

If anyone demands your rings, DO NOT GIVE. If they can make such demand, PLEASE keep them at home. Some cultures ask for them. Keep yours and your husband’s own. If you choose to wear them later, you can do so or remake them into earring or neck chain. Please do not wear any jewellery for the programmes. If you choose to, make it pin earrings only. People make so much fuss about it.

Flowers 

Natural are better but they remind us that death is inevitable. You can have undertakers do wreath. Artificial used for the event can be given at the end of event as gifts to siblings or close relatives who attend or you can use to decorate the home or your room.

Reception

Ushers, servers, cleaners and security etc. Be sure they are well dressed and comport themselves to maintain a solemn aura.

Souvenirs

Think outside the box if doing, you can give out mask, welfare packs etc. Book Markers or Prayer Cards (you may have Bible verses and a short comment and courtesy “Children” or Wife and Children”)

Condolence Register 

This can be positioned where those arriving can sign or for your guests - you will not “see” all those who attend or visit the house. Have column for phone as well as email (many may not write their numbers).

Family Album 

If any, this should be manned so someone does not take away. This can be on the condolence register table. Flipping through images to see the bond he had with you and the children reminds some wicked people that he loved his family and would prefer no meddling or abuse.

Picture easel stand (or actual picture frame)

This should be close to the condolence register table or his pictures can be on walls or directly on table. If used in church, remember to delegate someone to remove thereafter. You can make it the responsibility of the undertakers.

Lights 

A well lit event brightens minds and keeps thieves away.

Colour Code (dressing and event) 

This should reflect age of the deceased. Try to choose navy blue or white . Please NO BLACK. Grief drags the mind down; black makes melancholy worse.

Reception

I did not hold a reception because my husband was less than 60, also we have different cultures and my husband had no... What I did was snack and food packs; it was handed out as people left the service of songs and church service. A special one was made for the ministers and choir. No matter how sad death is, that he lived is worthy of acknowledgement and celebration.

Reception Sitting (observe distancing...)

The distancing will also help to keep evil folks at bay

Those to be seated include: Family/Colleagues/Friends/Church Members. For Neighbours (food packs or welfare packs). Ministers...

Music 

DJ is best considering covid but local dj or group to reflect the music of the area/tribe is not a bad idea, be sure to tell them to dress well and keep the music spiritual, solemn, sane.

Coverage

Photography does not have to be expensive but it has to be quality. Many do videos but who watches? But it helps you see who attended and what happened. You will not see or hear many things until later. Digital pictures can be recreated into video later. Documentary slide can be done using his pictures and pictures with you and the children (keep short if doing). 

Invitations 

Digital or text messaging is best so no one is running helter skelter. If you do cards have someone to take to those who matter. 

Brochure

Do something quality. Include his bio and written tributes from key people. You can also do a website. I can set up for you or one of the children can do it. Here is my husband’s forevermissed.com/Omoteso.

Tributes (spoken, incorporated in programme)

Comments, poems or songs by those close to deceased or others (pick otherwise everyone will wish to speak)

Food

Be sure not to under cook. If you over cook, the needy around the area can benefit. Consider more water than alcoholic or non alcoholic beverages. Folks from your tribe would donate too. Do not reject any but have prayer folks praying over everything. Malt and tonic are good for health reasons. Wine is unnecessary as many now go away with whole bottles. If you provide for your guests, ensure you give to his siblings as well, even if not as much as yours. 

Money

Believe it or not, some will come to you for transport, if you do funeral in the village. Rather than be annoyed have 500 or 1000 someone by you can give out. Please pray over a pack of notes, if possible anoint ahead. Your kindness would not become an inroad to satanists in Jesus name.

Husband’s Things

I just added this now. His most important assets now are his phone and laptop. The passwords are likely still active use it to gain entry and copy important things. Pay attention to what is important... For now it is best to just safe guard them and keep them out of reach. Have his room locked and the home security boosted. An undercover patrol person can be at the house.

I will love you through this!

Love always

Dr. Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa is a minister andn counsellor who is 

passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.

Wisdom for Widows

He called. My husband called. After 9 years of marriage, it had become tradition to call as he is approaching home. He would tell me about his day and ask about the children and me. He ended his call with, “I love you.” Usually my response is, “Me too”. “Woman! Which one is me too?” We laughed. I didn’t grow up verbalising love; he often let me be. I smiled and said, “I love you.” And he said, “I love you more. Never forget that.” Some minutes later my phone rang again. I smiled as I picked the call but it was not his voice… He had been in an accident. I rushed to be by his side. He fell into coma due to negligent doctors. He never came out of it. Unplanned, unprepared, unprotected, I entered into the journey called WIDOWHOOD.

This story, which mirrors shared experience by members of Cares Global Network and Bola Memorial Watch’s Walk With Widows Initiative, is one that is common. What is uncommon is the staggering statistics of widows and percentage in abject poverty. I’ll share 5 financial tips and 5 wellness tips for widows. Believe me when I say they would come in handy for every woman.

Many women are potential widows. If you are married or marriage is envisaged, the day may come when your man would exit. Death is neither by gender nor age but statistics show that women are more likely to outlive men; historically women marry older men. In Nigeria, there are over 2 million widows. In USA over 1 million women are widowed annually; corona virus increased that number. The population of widows to widowers in Nigeria is 2:1, while it is 4:1 in USA.

Women are beginning to move up the social ladder but the probability of women earning less is higher. Women have fewer opportunities to earn income. Widowhood throws widows into financial outage or low current. Probate Laws are unfavourable to women especially when Living Will is not mandatory. In-laws could manipulate the judicial system with bribe and many countries have discriminatory laws that leave widows stranded. Estate valued at over $4.5M was wrestled from me with limited possibility of recovery without legal access. I am trusting God for a miracle.

 
1. Prayer

I am adding this first. You need a Divine Anchor. After going through stages of grief depending on how and when widowhood happened, you need DIVINITY to carry on. Some have become depressive, psychotic or even die shortly after losing spouse.

2. Planning and Preparation 

Women need to take active part in financial planning. Where widowed, planning is compulsory. If you have young children in a sane country, the system may give support. Gone are the days when it was fashionable to be housewife. No matter how affluent your husband is, even where named on assets, depending on when and how he acquired them, you may be cut off. It is best to ensure you have a career, business, job, or investment that you can grow now to serve you well later.

3. Positioning 

Whether your husband is a pastor, practitioner or politician, if you are not positioned to take over or carry on; you may be edged out by policies or politics. If he is involved in something for which you serve as backup or conduit, know enough to step in. Know his network, banker, attorneys, tenants etc.

4. Process 

No matter how many years you have lived with someone except you have gone through the legal, religious or traditional process, you may find yourself out in the rain in event of death. If you are not a signatory and have no formal authority, you can be logged or locked out when he dies. If you have no Power of Attorney for medical or properties, you may not have a say when he is unwell or need to make decisions. Follow due process.

5. Protection (Probate) 

You can avoid probate if you have done necessary documentation to be part of your spouse’s affairs. As signatory, you can carry on. Once death occurs, if there is no Living Will, ensure you legally do Probate for your protection. The odds are stacked against widows without children. It is why more people must call for access to JUSTICE for all. Some would raise funds to fight to take it all, if you are standing alone. While you are mourning, some may sneak in to extend the borders of grief. Whether you have sane or insane in-laws, it is important to safeguard things, distribute early and move ahead. The decision to sell or hold assets should be wisely made. Be sure everyone deserving gets something, for your peace.

As I always say, beyond legality is humanity. "The price of peace is eternal vigilance." This quote attributed to George Marshall and others, holds true. How vigilant are you when the future you have no clue about drums cues and cries of death around you? Many things threaten our peace – children (presence or absence), finance, investment, projects, job, politics, family, war, virus, and of course spousal death. Peace is fundamentally a spiritual issue. Yet, there is a price to pay for peace.

You will agree with me that when a beloved spouse departs, peace becomes an anchor. Peace can be defined as harmony with self, God and humanity. Beyond learning skills to foster peace, putting things in place helps. Thing that can promote peace in the face of death includes strategic planning, preparedness and perspective. I used to complain about my husband not picking me from the airport. I got home one day and he was not there and never coming back. Positive perspective aids peace, see good in people and in things.

Few years ago God gave me a maxim, “Life is a web of decisions.” At every point, high point or low point, we must make decisions that foster peace. This births stability and mental wellness Martin Luther King Jr. said, “True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice.” Eleanor Roosevelt said, “It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Money cannot literally buy peace. This is why some rich people commit suicide. To be well you must have resources to consciously sow wellness and reap the grace therefrom. The price of peace is to sow and grow the S.E.E.D.S of wellness:

1. Sleep well. In sleep we are blessed with divine energy for the journey ahead. God was able to draw out delicate Eve when distressed Adam slept. When we are asleep, cells tackle sickness in the body and mind (immune system). If the person being mourned left the things acquired, you would one day leave them too.

2. Eat well to nourish your spirit, soul and body - eyes, head, skin, mouth, hand and nose. The glow in our skin was achieved by MAMI who gave us milk with honey EVERY night till age 5. She was a Wonder Woman who came ahead of her time. Feed your body with the right exercise and energy for the right emotion. Feed your mind with good books that would give you transformational ideas to make you a global sensation. Your words feed your mind; self-talk must be filled with grace. Meditate and pray well. Sex is soul food; please enjoy it. Sexual urge may not auto-disappear when spouse dies.

3. Encourage your wellness by empowering or educating yourself and others in your area of influence, to enjoy peace in old age. To avoid becoming a push over, learn skills. In 1997, I told myself that my Philosophy degree was enough. To serve and lead in ways that births peace, by 2015 I received 4 more degrees. When you encourage yourself, you become strong enough to keep depression, dejection and disillusionment out.

4. Dress well; you and your loved ones. This attracts grace to you and excites your soul, body and mind. It serves you peace and creates aura that attracts blessings. No one is ugly; take time to groom. Pay attention to your nails. Dress the way you want to be addressed. To dress your home and mind well, de-clutter and detach. There was a time I was so overwhelmed; I had two options – suicide or separation. Suicide was impossible; I detached from many groups. Remove toxic people from your network. Learn to detach from unprofitable ventures.

5. Support. By supporting others to stand up for justice or promote societal good, you will earn peace. Join a religious community or non-profit group that gives back. By praying together or receiving support, you would have peace. Hug, laughter and music while socialising with family, friends and folks near and dear triggers the release of happy hormones, oxytocin. This makes you feel naturally good. Spending time with loved ones requires less energy; being there is enough. To chill without frills serve peace.

Dr. Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa is a minister and counsellor who is 

passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.