Finding Love AGAIN

When a man or woman loses a spouse, the healing and the decision to move ahead depends on several factors like his/her belief or culture. After a certain period of time, one may think about the possibility of once again sharing life with someone else, though some are scared of how the society will perceive it. 

According to Dinah Mbabazi, some widow/ers don’t take the decision to move ahead by dating or remarrying because the feeling of finding another partner feels like a betrayal and sometimes because of the fear of “what will people say?”

What the Bible says about widows/ers remarrying

A wife must stay with her husband as long as he lives. If he dies, she is free to marry anyone she chooses. She will, of course, want to marry a believer and have the blessing of God. 1 Corinthians 7:39 (MSG)

If she lives with another man while her husband is living, she’s obviously an adultress. But if he dies, she is free to marry another man in good conscience, with no one’s disapproval Romans 7:3 (MSG).

No, I’d rather the young widows go ahead and get married in the first place, have children, manage their homes, and not give critics any foothold for finding fault. 1 Timothy 5:14 (MSG)

When should a widow/er consider remarrying?

According to Maurice Rukimbra, there is no formula or specific time of waiting for one to remarry, people have different ways of getting over grief and that depends on the person. The  person needs enough time to mourn and at a certain time when that person can decide that its time to move on, one can go ahead.

Joyce Marter lost her husband at 26, on her website, she shared some tips on dating for widows:

Work through Your Grief Before You Start Dating

You really need to be in a good place emotionally before you start dating. 

Andrew Mukinisha also recommends that one must have been completely over the grief before considering remarrying. For some people it could take quite long to be able to get over emotional hang ups, but as long as the grief is over. 

According to Dr. Omolola Omoteso some decide to enter into relationship early so as to glean support from a loving mate. How this pans out depends largely on the mate’s understanding as some may want you to quickly forget deceased spouse and immerse in loving them which is often not a walk through. At the wake of grief, emotion is often on a roller coaster.

Talk to a grief counsellor and learn how to cope with the emotions you’re going through. I recommend Divine Connection which is accessible via dc-homes.webs.com. Take time to mourn, to build your self-esteem and to reduce the stress in your life as a whole. This will make you much better prepared to handle the emotions of a new relationship.

Don’t Feel Guilty About Dating

This is a feeling that all widows face. Your spouse would have wanted you to be happy. Entering into a relationship is not disrespectful or inconsiderate. It is a step you will take to move forward in your life. Your counsellor will tell you this time and time again, but remind yourself of it as well. No guilt, just hope for the future.

Take However Much Time You Need

Don’t feel pressured to start seeing anyone at a certain time. If you need a year to heal, take that year. If you only need a few months, that’s fine too. You know your body and, more importantly, your heart. Trust your gut, or better still the Holy Spirit and you’ll start a relationship when you feel ready.

While it’s important to take time for yourself, you shouldn’t set a time limit on your love life. Joyce was 26 when her husband passed away, so she knew she would eventually fall in love again. She originally told herself “Six months. No sooner than six months.” But that rigid timeframe didn’t make sense in the grand scheme of things. You’ll know when you’re ready. If it happens sooner than expected, that’s okay! Don’t let your mental timeclock stop you from living your life.

Be Honest about Your Situation

When you start, you may feel tempted to hide the fact that you’re a widow. For Joyce, she felt like she was “damaged goods,” like no one would want to be with someone who had emotional baggage. The truth is, everyone has emotional baggage though, even if it’s not the same kind. The person you enter into a relationship with may have lost a parent or may have battled with addiction at some point in time. You went through a traumatic experience, but that does not define you. You can acknowledge your past, but try to stay open-minded about the future.

Avoid Comparing People to Your Spouse

You won’t be able to find someone who is exactly like your spouse. Truth be told, you are no longer the same person that you were when you got married. Avoid making comparisons when you meet someone, rather, focus on finding a genuine connection. You are not looking for a better relationship or the same relationship. You are looking for someone new to spend time with.

Stay Optimistic

Love relationship can be frustrating for anyone, regardless of age or circumstance. It could be particularly more frustrating for you because you never imagined you would be on this route again. Try not to get discouraged along the way. You might have to sift through bad seeds, but you’ll find the right person. Talk to your counsellor or pastor and prayerfully work through emotions you might be feeling, and make the most of the journey you’re on.

Edited from article submitted by Funke Yayi for Walk With Widows