Male or Female: Who initiates heartbreak?

The Youth & Singles Fellowship of RCCG Throne of Grace, Obalende invited me to minister on the theme: ASK ME WHY. The tilt of the theme was more about heartbreaks. Before my ministration, there was a drama and a debate.

The drama was about a sister who dilly-dallied with God’s will in reference to a brother she was in a relationship with. She broke off the relationship when a challenge faced by the brother – loss of job – reared its head. She went after another guy who was seemingly in money but later got arrested for fraud. She retraced her steps to God’s will; unfortunately he had found another rib. I decoded many issues from the drama whose narration was done by a “wise old man”.

1.   Was the relationship actually based on God’s will?

2.   Did the pastor who counseled the engaged couple seek God’s face or based his approval of the courtship on confirmation by the man and woman that it is God's will?

3.   Was the break up motivated by self or by God?

4.   If indeed the initial relationship was God’s will, why did the brother not pray and wait for a reversal of the lady’s decision to break up with him?

5.   Was it right for the brother to sign into another relationship?

6.   Can the second relationship be regarded as God’s will?

7.   Whose heart was broken by the break up in the initial relationship?

While I leave you to sincerely seek answers to these questions, let’s look at the debate that followed the drama:

Who are the initiators of heartbreaks? Is it the guys or the ladies?

For the debate, we had a vibrant sister and brother who represented their sexes and tried to argue out that, males or females are the initiators of heartbreaks. The woman’s points were clear:

1. Men are heartbreakers

2. Women are fashioned to support the heart so they cannot break the heart

3. If women are weaker vessels how then can they break the stronger vessels’ hearts?

4. The man was present in Eden yet he broke the heart of God by letting the woman act alone.

Of course the man did not mince words in making his points:

1. Women are heartbreakers

2. Women have used their being fashioned close to the heart as reason to dent the heart

3. Women in their selfishness usurped man’s role in Eden and broke God and man’s heart

4. If women could break the heart of God then they can definitely break men’s hearts

Interesting! Surprisingly, men fought their way into getting a supporting speaker but the ladies got none. But really who are the initiators of heartbreaks?

After the debate, I was invited to the podium where I started by praying and introduced myself as a media specialist, relationship coach and host of DC. I hit the ground running by asking few questions. Thereafter, I administered a questionnaire; first to the males then the females. An interesting questionnaire that generated haaaaas, hooooos, laughter and scream from the audience. I then shared the thoughts below before continuing with questions that led participants to share their experiences.

Not all heartbreak come from break up and not all break up lead to heartbreak. Heartbreak is present in one or both partners if the breakup is incidental, coincidental or accidental.

Take for instance a man and a woman who mutually consent to split because they are not willing to “faith” the issue of blood group.

Jacob may have ended up with a heart break if Rachael said no but Rachael’s life may have been saved and Jacob may have realised earlier that living a life of supplanting, a life of cheating others would not urgur well. Some heartbreak could become a life line.

Relationships are not the ultimate; what we seek is marriage. So if a relationship continues for ever and the "Will you marry me?" question never comes or the lady never responds with, "Yes, I will" the result is stagnancy. Except both parties have an understanding that this is a lifelong friendship which may not include tying the allegorical knot but tying the spiritual knot, a relationship is bound to break into pieces or break into new life.

An egg must crack, time, location, outcome may be different. An egg may break into new life birthing a chick. An egg may break and spill its content thereby ending its life abruptly with no benefit. An egg can break into a white life either as boiled of fried to give energy to the eater. But for an egg to fulfill its divine purpose, it must break!

Heartbreaks happen because we are flesh who may at times trust man more than we trust God. Jonah’s heart was unbroken despite all God did to compel him to go to Nineveh but his heart was broken when God removed his cover. A man or a woman could act out a heartbreak but God or Satan could be the initiator. How? Satan as we know is not interested in relationships especially those by Christians heading towards marriage. Satan sets out to break hearts because he knows that such unions are potential grounds for re-populating the Kingdom of God.

God on the other hand does not set out to break hearts only that our lack of understanding and our limited knowledge of the future make us see it as such. Take for instance a great Christian man who asked a great sister out, of course the sister wanted to say yes and was already looking forward to marriage but God said no. The sister’s heart was broken and so was the brother’s but in less than 2 years they saw why; the brother was called home to be with the Lord. God of course knew the brother had a limited time on earth and did not want to sign the sister into a life of misery. If they had married, most people would have believed the marriage is God’s will because they were both spirit filled ethical Christians but when the man dies soon after, more people would have blamed God for creating such sadness when in actual fact God warned against it. 

When a seeming heartbreak is motivated by God, it is short-lived; only for a while. Of course Abraham’s heart was completely broken when God asked for his only child but in obeying, he witnessed one of the greatest miracles – an exchange of pain with gain. 

Usually the heartbreaks motivated by Satan are as a result of lack of trust in God. So God sends you a helper or a friend but to you this man/woman has everything you want so you find a way to scheme yourself into a relationship; so what happens? God shows you His will but you look at him or her and what you see is an unbeliever and you re-quote God’s Word to Him, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers”; you look at the physical like Prophet Samuel did and you say NO. Three months down the line the woman marries someone else and becomes a believer and then your heart is broken. 

God sends you a man and you know from all indication that this is God’s will, you look at him and tell God, "But he is Catholic, but he is separated" and you conclude, no this CANNOT be the will of God. So you compel the man to wait in the name of praying through for an answer you have already received. The man get’s tired and pulls back the proposal and then you return to God to cry. Guess what God will do, God will lovingly embrace you as He works things out for your good hoping that this time you’d trust and obey.

A man after seeking God’s face approached a woman and the woman said, go and pray again. He returned and said, "You are God’s will for me" but she laughed and said, "You better go and pray again and stop deceiving yourself". He returned and said, "You are God’s will for me". The sister said, if you are very sure, go and tell the pastor; knowing full well that the pastor knows her health condition. The pastor had to ask the brother to go and pray again and approach the sister only if he is 100% sure. He did (some patient brother he is!) and returned to the sister. She broke down in tears and told him, “I am HIV+, if you change your mind now I would understand.” The brother took a deep sigh and said, “If God says you are my wife, I bet He knows your status”. Hard, but that is what God expects of us. Today they are happily married with children and living a blissful and fulfilled life.

Often times when we say we are waiting for God’s will, what we are actually saying is that we are waiting for a physical manifestation of our will – single-single (meaning never been married and no child), fine/handsome, comfortable, mannered, moral, tongue-talking, high self esteem, refined…. Because we cannot trust like Adam and Eve did, because we cannot blindly jump when it is God saying jump, because we cannot hang on to faith and fate, we sign up for a date then we find out too much and we become so scared of the journey ahead. To complicate matters, we run to a pastor who ends up seeing your fears instead of the will of God.

Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Why do we always forget in our instance of fear that the Lord is leading and is able to make our marital journey blissful?