Love After Wedding

Courtship has become a period where couples rehearse written scripts in front of an inattentive audience. But on the real stage called marriage, the script is not pre-written; your response is largely dependent on the other person and the audience – families and friends, are focused on seeing to it that you keep the rules. I remember someone saying that if truly love is blind, then marriage is an eye opener. God’s perfect plan did not include dating because the concept of dating is mainly to “see”, “practice”, “check out” whether this person will match me. But where people enter into courtship solely based on God’s will every courtship should be focused on knowing more about the other person in other to make the union work. If marriage had been in-dissolvable as God meant it to be, more and more couples will commit time and energy to making things work.  

                                    

As a minister and relationship coach, I always make it clear to couples that once they establish that their coming together is according to God’s will then there is no mountain that would be too high for them to climb. I encourage couples in courtship to see just one goal – happiness in marriage. And where they are both focused on and committed to that goal, they can and will be happy. Unfortunately the world teaches that dating and courtship is the time to test compatibility. But the more people follow the way of the world, the more the rate of divorce skyrocket even amongst believers which is why we see Bishops and Pastors get entangled in divorce, once, twice, even thrice; things that should not be named among believers! One thing I established clearly before marrying my husband was that this was God’s will for me. So when I began to see things I did not expect, I decided that though not having all the information means I did not make an informed consent, the fact that it is God’s will means that God saw it and saw no reason to pull me out. I then concluded that if God brought me to it, He can and will carry me through it.

Though many are wary of marrying across cultures, but thousands continue to marry unknowingly across cultures especially as a result of transmigration and westernisation. Take for instance my husband and me, though from the same home country and tribe, I found out to my shock few weeks into our marriage that he has become more of an American having lived in the USA for over 20 years! Of course the natural thing to have done would have been to fly off; after all this is not who I meant to marry. But knowing that this was God’s will gave me just one way out, like the foetus in the womb; and no turning back. That way led of course back to God who led me to what Gary Chapman laid out in 5 Love Languages (2004). I began to learn about my husband and how he wanted to be loved, touched, served, appreciated and affirmed. When we take up employment, in addition to whatever professional training we may have had, we have to be trained in the in-house culture of the organisation but we don’t do this in marriage; we just assume that he or she is a believer and we place an expectation on him/her. 

I had begun to sink until God led me to look to Him who is the author and finisher of my faith. My husband preferred face to face conversations and we had great communication in courtship. Though I am a media specialist, I preferred to write. Initially, I would write him a long mail but he would respond with just one line and I would begin to boil having read many meanings into his seemingly “thoughtless” response. One day I decided to spill out my annoyance and he explained that because his work is tied to the computer, he associates emails with work. It them dawned on me that though I loved writing and reading emails, for him it meant work. As I began to learn who he is and how he preferred to be related with; disappointment and confusion gave way to happiness and peace. There definitely would be fewer divorces if couples understood each other’s primary love language and culture.

After wedding, life will go on but having taken a new exit (you left Route SINGLE and took exit WEDDING towards MARRIAGE Highway), it would not be business as usual. You both have expectations but those expectations may not be met exactly the way you envisioned it. What do I mean? You may expect that he'll eat breakfast with you, drop and pick you from work, attend fellowship with you, eat dinner and then spend time chatting with you before you both head to bed or better still he carries you into bed and wrap you in love. Whao, how so sweet! But my dear, it may not be so. One of you would most likely change address, quit your job during which you may have to stay home while the other works. So there may be no dropping off or picking up and the one working may be rather tired to attend fellowship with you or too tired to even have dinner or chat with you. If you are both able to work, you may not have the same schedule; resumption or closing time, so one may have to give up the car (if you have one, regardless of who owns it) for the benefit of the person who needs it most. 

After the wedding day, you will discover the REAL person you married. Not because he or she was pretending but because you are now in each others comfort zone. Let me paint a scenario for you. During courtship, the man calls you when he is free or less busy, before calling he has made a decision to talk to you for 30 minutes or as long as phone credit permits. So when he calls, he is relaxed; he probably has planned to share a joke or two with you, so you laugh and feel his charm, endearment and excitement. Fast forward to the day after wedding; communication will no longer be planned, everything becomes impromptu. If you have both become broke as a result of the wedding; expect edginess with regards to money. If she has had a bad day, don't expect a peck if she manages to say hello... During courtship, when you serve him salty food, he probably would say, "That's okay dear" but after saying goodbye, he can induce vomitting and enter the next available restuarant to eat a meal of his choice. In marriage, it will not be okay because that may be his only meal for the day. Perhaps she has fallen asleep on your couch during a couple of visits, but all you noticed is her prettiness and calmness; mind you this is seldom a deep sleep, only a nap. But on wedding night as you spend your first official night together you begin to wonder where that loud noice is coming from and low and behold it's your pretty woman roaring in her sleep, "OMG! She snores!". Yes she does, most tired people and those whose air passageway is blocked do.

Loving someone is different from living with the person but marriage is loving and living under a covenant - sealed by blood or contract - sealed by the law (depending on your view of marriage). Now this is beyond convenience or commitment, it is required and backed by a consequence when not obeyed. Love may roll through romance but marriage moves through reality. If you can both learn the RAP (Responsibility, Adjustment, Perseverance) tango, the days after wedding will be enjoyable.

Brethren, some believe that love grows after wedding but others believe that love can only be maintained or sustained after wedding but what I know is that love after wedding will take a different path; for few slightly, for some averagely, for others drastically. Why? Previously you saw through a dim or modified glass, now you'd see clearly perhaps even through a binoculars. You may have imagined that she is a size 36B but in marriage you may find she is a 38D! Why? She probably would not discuss with you during courtship that she wears a girdle or (if the reverse) that she wears a padded bra to prop things up and give her clothing the right bobby fitting. You may have imagined sex will not be good because he has a small frame but he may turn out to be a stallion!

I can't tell you what love will serve you after wedding but I can assure you it will not be the wedding cake everyday! One key life saver is that you must position yourself to know his or her REAL love language, learn it and speak it. Finally, through it all, you must learn to depend on The Trinity - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit; with the three-in-one, you can successfully navigate the marital route.

If you are recently married, feel free to share something that is different in love after wedding.

Focus for Marital Breakthrough

Last year Divine Connection recorded marriages. This year, I am gearing up for multiple marriages. Mind you I did not say weddings because except you pull through the wedding, there is actually no marriage. The wedding ceremonies are the wants but marriage is the need. You will be married in Jesus name.

Sometime ago a friend said to me, you went to America for one Master Degree but because you were focused you came back with two. I shook my head in strong affirmation. Then she added, so why don’t you focus so you can get one husband! Of course I wasn’t shaking my head by the time she concluded.

So let’s talk about focus. How do you focus your prayer and your attention for marital breakthrough?

First you must be able to answer the question of readiness clearly. Are you ready for marriage? If you are ready and your man is not ready; there is a clause. For years I was not ready and for many more years he was not! I remember that when the Woman of God who introduced us asked him about marriage he said, “Mi o raye iyen nisiyi” (I don’t have time for that now). So even when I became ready, God’s choice for me wasn’t. So what should you do. Pray him or her into readiness! Focus and pray that by fire by force prayer, “O Lord! Make him/her ready; break him into readiness. As you brought Adam to the point of needing a help mate, spiritually anaestesised him and broke his ribs to humble him into accepting Eve; bring him to a point of readiness in Jesus name”.

Secondly, you need to answer the question of who. If you are focused on short men, your personality and aura will repel every tall ma. If his aura is not strong enough; he will leave. You must be clear about who you are and who you need. A yes man may be sweet to have but if you know you are a go-getter, a yes man will not get you there! If you are still confused about who you are, it may be hard to decipher who you need. You need to pray, “O Lord reveal me to me; reveal who I am and where you are taking me to”. If you know who you are then your prayer should be, “O Lord, by the direction of the Holy Spirit, reveal who I need”. After you have prayed, you must listen and begin to pay attention to events around you.

While you can candidly tell God who you need; I mean the kind of man you desire for destiny fulfilment, you must subject all these desires under His will which means in actual fact that the third point is clarity about readiness to accept God’s will. If who you want is a fat man, are you ready to accept God’s choice of a thin man? If who you want is a professional woman, are you ready to accept God’s choice of a businesswoman? If not, you need to pray, “O Lord, help me to accept your will.”

After you accept God’s will, you must be positioned to meet his will. Even if Rebecca knew in her mind that she was open to God’s choice, only been at the well positioned her to meet the man who connected her to her man. Are you well positioned? You can pray, “Dear Lord, position me for your divine connection to my man/woman”. When you pray this prayer, if God is telling you to relocate or travel or visit someone; please do. I have a sister who met her husband when she listened to the leading of the Holy Spirit to visit a sister in her church. During that visit she met the sister’s husband and they engaged in a discussion. The sister’s husband casually suggested she would be a good match for another brother in their church. Of course the sister she went to visit waived it off for flimsy reasons but today my sister is happily married to that brother.

There has been instances where all above comes together neatly yet the man refuse to speak or the woman refuse to answer. Ojuboro ko ni afii gba omo l’owo ekuro (it is not an easy task to collect seed from the palm kernel). You need to pray, “God, give me/him/her voice and verse (words)”. I had many suitors but some couldn’t get the words out; some were only able to verbalise their desires after someone else wooed them! I said wooed them because it felt like they were in a trance from which they only woke up after being married to someone else. If I was willing to take them, they were willing to marry me after they woke up! Until God spoke the words, “Let there be...”, everything that was meant to be hung in nothingness. At times the man or woman is around you but fear, family, familiarity, frivolities etc forestall him/her from speaking/answering. A guy talked about how an old woman would always appear in his dream each time he decided to ask a lady to marry him and once he sees the old woman, he will walk away without telling the lady why he lost interest. Brethren, spiritual things must be dealt with spiritually. You may need to go for a deliverance, you may need to withdraw to a mountain, you may need to fast and pray; who you marry determines a lot; so be focused.

Finally you must pray, “God! Let time and season work to create my marriage”. At times the man wants to settle into marriage but he loses his job and doesn’t have enough faith to carry on with the plan. It happened to me. When we met, he had a job but he lost it and insisted that we couldn’t go to the next level until he found another. It took God to convince him that this was the lie of the devil; with or without a job God can build a home. I had to serve my faith for two and challenged him to dine; “Fix a date and see if God will not go beyond giving you a job”. He did and God went the extra mile for us. There was a man who lost his mother few weeks to his wedding; the season was not going to favour him as the grief was driving him to cancel his wedding. But my mother stepped in and prayerfully guided him to go ahead with the registry part of the wedding. The other parts of the wedding that were cancelled were never done but they have remained married and happy because God turned things round because they listened to the voice of wisdom. The one who is dead has finished her race; the living has the task of continuing the race. It may sound harsh but it is real. I have a sister in the Lord whose marriage was nose diving. As part of the spiritual and medical treatment, herself and husband were to pray and have sex at particular times, the last day of their pray and sex fell on the night when they arrived at the village for her father’s burial. Of course her husband said, “But we can’t possibly have sex when you are mourning”, the sister said, “Even if we have to do it in the bush, we have to do it”. I don’t know where they did it, but they did it and that night the seed of their first child was sown. Today that woman who was called barren and almost buried her marriage in the grief of her father’s death has children to share the loving memory of her father.

All through your focus for marital breakthrough, you have to be in sync with the Holy Spirit; you must be sensitive. Wear what your Spirit says to wear, go where your Spirit leads and do what your Spirit directs even if it appears stupid. But be sure what you are interacting with is the Holy Spirit. I recollect that after I met Temi, though I caught him glancing a couple of times, I kind of felt he treated me more like his sister especially with the years between us. But if we were to be married, I didn't want to be treated as a sister, I wanted to be his wife. I prayed and the Holy Spirit said dress like a woman; a wife. Well maybe I interpreted it humanly but I decided to go the extra mile in my dressing and make up the next morning. Brethren, the look he gave me when I walked into him was dramatically different; it wasn't the kind of look you'd give a sister, it was a look for a sweetheart! He verbalised it by making an endearing comment and he sealed it by pulling me into a hug. I got what I wanted! But I had to start praying for the handshake not to pass the elbow... Except your mate wants his/her gender, be an attractive opposite!

You must learn to pray in a focused manner about accepting God's choice for you and that everything God has created will work to usher in your new home. When the time for settling into marriage comes, remain focused on the goal which is marriage. Your goal is is not to be a great girl friend/boy friend or excellent fiancee/fiance, your goal is to be a wife/husband. Don't get carried away by the dates, happy hours and ceremonies! Be wary of drawbacks; they have become devil’s tools for cracking the foundation. They include distractions and arguments about the type of marriage, venue, aso-ebi, who to visit, who to invite, colour code etc. Big or small, marriage is between two people. My husband and I had 4 joinings! The first, after he met my parents, was on the Altar of God before my Pastor and his wife ONLY. Even if we did not have other ceremonies, as long as God was there, it is signed and sealed in heaven. It is essential to follow the law of the land but don’t sign yourself out by making outrageous demands before you sign yourself in.

Remember that all what you want will not work except it is wrapped in God's will. Find time to read other posts on Divine Connection and feel free to request counsel.

I look forward to celebrating your marital breakthrough.