Motunrayo Alaka, an
advocate for investigative journalism, once posted an article that points to
many now asking Google for everything. I won’t be surprised if you got to this
link by googling, “Why am I not married?”
This is a question that
many singles shy away from in public but one they ask privately and tearfully.
A question I had to answer in my quest for marriage.
A young man in his late
20s told me how his income was hardly enough to sustain him and how try as he
may, he cannot seem to settle into marriage. Further counsel revealed that he
was living far above his income. He was also spending a lot to gratify his girlfriend
and sexual partners instead of planning for a home and signing into marriage
with the one he loves. The reason he isn't "settled" is not far fetched.
A woman in her early 30s
told me how her company was going through a hard time and how her dad threw the
family into turmoil by jetting off with other women. Further counsel revealed
that she was afraid of stepping out in faith to explore other job options and
her dad's behaviour left her with the fear of men which became the genesis of
disappointments. The reason she isn't married is not far fetched.
After struggling with the thoughts of being single for life, a woman answered her call to a life of missions and found joy in touching the lives of children God sent her way. I stayed single for a long
time because what I wanted was not reachable and what was reachable was not
desired. Where was the will of God in why I remained single? It was not God's will that I remained single but as I stretched for my will, God's will became more and more alien to me. Peace was restored to my marital journey when I trusted God. Remaining single may be
God-ordained for some but for many, it is self inflicted.
"Why am I not
married?" is a question which when sincerely answered can uncover the veil
that may be preventing you from embarking on the marital journey truthfully and
continuing beyond the altar.
Many of those who are
married had to compromise one thing or the other – height, weight, profession,
complexion, pay packet, tribe, qualification, class, age etc.
1st Peter 1 gives a good picture of God's expectation. Verse 5 says "Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." Holding up your faith is a requirement for connecting to an earthly mate. Verse 13 and 24 points out: "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ… For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away." Verse 25 nails it "But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you."
When answers do not come to
this age old question we begin a cycle of frustration that has seen many getting
married to evil mates. At the end of the day, neither marriage nor singleness would endure. Only the word of God.
Dear brethren and friends,
why are you not married? If you married in your late 20s or 30s, 40s, 50s... What
delayed your marital bliss? Sharing may be all you need to set yourself free and open the freeway for others as well.
Mrs. Omolola is minister who is passionate about sharing God's words for the healing of others.
On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court in New Jersey to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below is part two of the transcript of my ministration. If you are yet to read part one, please proceed there via this link.
So, what are the 5
love languages?
a)Words
of Affirmation. What is word of affirmation? Bingo, you are so dumb, I can’t
believe you just did that. How do you think a man will receive those hurtful
words? Verbal compliments, kind and humble words, motivation and encouragement
go a long way. “Sweet heart, I am so proud of you!” How will a man receive
that? To provide the right words you must be willing to empathise and see the
world from your man’s perspective. Learn what is important to him and encourage
him. When a man takes the wrong exit is not the time to say, there you go
again; you never get it right! Ouch; that hurts. Yesterday’s failures can be
handled by affirming our man. Words of affirmation are powerful means of
restoring love and intimacy.
b)Quality
Time. What is quality time? How can you invest quality time with your spouse?
I’ll give an example. We recently went on a trip, though I had a number of
assignments, I decided to leave my laptop at home. If I had taken my laptop, I
would have spent more time on it that with him. In giving up my laptop, I
gained much; for the first two days he did not even turn on the television!
Quality time mean time spent focused on your man and your man alone; no laptop,
no television, no mobile phone, no children; just you and him. Imagine you
picking a call while having sex? It just breaks the rhythm and may even stop
the flow. Ouch! Switch off your phone, leave it at home when heading out for
dinner, take a walk; the simple things of life done with your man can energise
your love life. Pastor Mrs. preached about the Table Principle, something I
have always done in my home even before I got married. The very first thing I
got after I got married was a dining set! Guess what, the hardest of men will
listen after a great meal. Even if you have eaten before he arrives, just sit
with him and watch him eat; you’d be amazed at how attentive he’ll be during
discussion that follow. What activities can you engage in that would make your
quality time truly special?
c)Receiving
Gift. No matter how well you spell I love you, some men will never understand
until you say it with gift. Set of nice boxers, a mug, lunch on you, roses etc.
are great expressions of love. To speak this language you may look at his needs
and meet them, like his shirts are fraying, go ahead and order new ones; don’t
wait till it is his birthday to express your love the way he will understand.
If he loves home food for lunch, buy a lunch bag; he will proudly carry it like
a schoolboy because you gave it to him. If he loves tea, buy a nice travel jug.
My first gift to Temi was a travel mug; I noticed that the one he had was
coloured with coffee so during a grocery shopping in Michigan, on my way from
the bathroom, I bought and paid for this really nice travel mug; he hasn’t
stopped using it EVERYDAY. Your gift is an investment in your man’s love tank
because if his love tank his full with the right fuel, he will cruise your
marriage in top love speed!
d)Acts
of Service. Love is a verb and there is no better way to express it by serving
your husband. Pick up his mails, lay the bed, iron his clothes, take the car to
the car wash, set the table, don’t just cook like the food is for a pauper,
treat him like royalty because if he feels kingly, he’ll treat you queenly! We
recently hosted Pastor Prof; my husband’s car which we decided to drive him to
church in was dirty and I couldn’t have a former attorney general ride in it so
I decided to wash the car but I said to myself, I want to honour his friend by
ensuring the car is clean, yet my husband was going to drive to church in my
own equally dirty car. What do you think I did? I washed both cars! Other men
shouldn’t receive better honour from us than what we give our husbands. I am
not asking you to become a slave; when my husband took ill, I ironed his
clothes but usually he does it and even offers to do mine. If you sir the pastor,
sir your man. If you’ll set the table for Obama, set it for your prince
charming. Never use the act of service to manipulate him; if you want me to
cook for you then you have to be home by 6PM, when we are going to eat.
Policewoman, take it easy, your man is your leader; treat him right.
e)Physical
Touch. I don’t need to ask us to define this. But it doesn’t only have to mean
sex. Hold hands, touch his face, stroke his hands… If this is your husband’s
love dialect be prepared to speak it publicly and privately; snuggle up to him,
hug him, give him a shoulder rub, touch your nose to his, kiss him, pat him on
the back. If this means sex every day or every other day ask God for energy. If
you think it has crossed the line from dialect to obsession, pray about it.
Many men and women will forgive their spouses for falling in love with others
as long as physical touch or sexual intimacy is not involved but because this
cuts through all others, the sacrifice of giving yourself to someone else is
one most men seldom forgive or forget. We can relate this to God, He sacrificed
His best for us and directs that no other sacrifice is necessary, no other
worship is allowed; it must be God and God alone. So if you have just this one
man, you better learn how He loves to be touched and touch him EVERYWHERE to
your delight. Non-sexual touch can be a powerful communicator especially in
times of crisis, grief and disappointment. When Clinton was roped in sexual
scandal, they may not have been able to resume sexual intercourse but the fact
that Hillary still found the courage to hold his hands expressed deeper meaning
and gave Bill the courage to repent and retrace his steps. Many men have become
lost forever because we CUT OFF at the sound of another woman. When he is
traveling, hug him and whisper in his ears, “I’ll keep myself for you, I trust
you to do the same.” If a woman winks at him, he will return home to tell you.
Your
man has one of the above as his love dialect but may actually speak two or
more. As you learn his primary love language and speak it in the dialect he
understands, teach him yours. If yours is gift, suggest what you want, if
service, make a request, if affirmation tell him. When I first learned about
love languages, I wondered why mine was not featured because I have always
considered communication as my love language. But I realized that mine is the
basis on which all these 5 rests. On cursory look, I realized that
communication could be classed under quality time. If you can’t sniff out your
husband’s love language by analysing the 5 and deciding his preferred love
language, ask him; how would you best understand that I love you? If he says,
if we have sex daily, then you’d know his love language is physical touch and
as you give this in and out of bed, there will be lesser need for daily sexual
intercourse. Then tell him yours; tell him how you prefer to be touched, share
your expectation in terms of quality time and words of affirmation.
Love
is a choice; even if you were forced on him or he on you, in staying married,
you made a choice. You owe it to yourself to remain married joyously. Pour your
all into your man and develop him to your taste. To have joy, real joy, you
must position yourself prayerfully to deal with hurt, anger and resentment to
avoid repressing them until when they would have become wolves capable of
destroying your tender loving grapes.
Let’s look at Luke 6:38 ”Give, and it shall be given unto you; good
measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give
into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be
measured to you again”. The measure you give, is what will be measured to you.
If you speak the language of love in your husband’s dialect, be rest assured he
would pleasantly learn yours and speak to you in good measure.
In
marriage, we desire to feel special and significant and speaking the
appropriate love language can meet both needs but we must take the first step
by unlocking the key to renewing and energising love.
Before
we pray please listen to this poem God led me t post on Facebook:
Dear Lord, I need a nice black velvet dress with a lovely set of
jewelry. While you are at it, please remember to throw in a dinner purse and
high heel shoes to match! Soon. God, with all these things, will I now attend
that award dinner in a bus! Soon. But God, this man that offered to give me a
ride is damn ugly; couldn’t you have given me my own car? Soon. O Lord! I know
I asked for a car but definitely not two doors (yeri n’beto)! Soon. O God, this
accord is so hot; all my colleagues have their windows wound up. Soon. But God,
if you decided to give me air con, why not in a jeep! Soon. (In tears) Lovely
ride, but for how long will I have to drive without company. Soon. God, I asked
you for company but definitely not for an overbearing company driver. Soon. I
have been driving alone all day; the Bible says two are better than one. Soon.
What a lovely wedding, this man you gave me just messed everything up with his
clumsy dance steps. Soon. I can live with his dance but definitely not his late
nights and being too tired to get it up. Soon. (After he bought a house and
they moved in) God! What is the essence of a big house without children; all my
friends are done having children, will I now have to adopt? Soon. My Lord and
my Saviour, I was so sure you’ll do it, only I asked you for a set of twins, a
boy and a girl. Soon. Lord! You know I will be disinherited if I don’t have a
male child. Soon. My God! But I never asked you for a sick male child; do I now
have to spend all my life at the hospital? (God stood up and said) Insatiable
being! When will you pause to give me worship for your breath?
Dear Sisters, God gave you a good man, your love can make him shine!
Prayer
Points:
Father thank you for my man.
Lord, teach me your undiluted unconditional
love?
Lord help me to speak my husband’s love
language in love?
Lord teach my husband my love language and
help him to speak it?
Lord, bind our home with your unbreakable
cords of love?
As we close, let's share this song, "Love in any language" by Sandi Pattie.
On 22.12.12 I was invited to RCCG The King's Court to minister at the Annual Breakfast Meeting of the Women Ministry. Below (from second paragraph) is part one of the transcript of my ministration.
I love the song, "Love Lifted Me", members of my alumni group got caught in the web of my gmail signature - LLM. The loved it so much that most of them complained when I made the mistake of leaving this beautiful tagline out.
My
name is Omolola the wife of Omoteso and the daughter of Odu-Famuyiwa. I have
written two books that speak to some of the things we’ll be discussing today.
The first is tiled What is wrong with us?
Nuggets about mature singles. Pick it from the ushers, read it and sow it
into mature singles around you. Those who have read it and can provide you
with good reference. The second is a book I wrote for the most outstanding
female minister in RCCG North America, Pastor Grace Okonrende; it is titled
“Pillar of Strength” and Sis Elijah can provide the necessary reference.
Prayer:
Lord as we learn at your feet, make our love tank genuinely full so that
instead of running on frustration and depression, we can run on your love which
passeth human understanding. In Jesus name we pray.
Today
we’ll be sharing the theme 5 Love Languages.
I
have a number of questions that would move the presentation along. We will
answer them based on the number picked from the bowl that was passed round:
What language or languages do
you speak?
Does your man speak the same
language?
Speaking
Ibo to a Yoruba woman, “Sister Kike, Bia ne ba.” “Sister Marie, qui est ce c’est? Sister Kofo,
me nine sunanka? Sister Rita, ki-gi-le-ge-fe-ge-se-ge-ni-gi-ogo-ningi? Sister
Comfort, obrigado. Who understands all these languages? I actually made simple
statements in Ibo, French, Hausa, Eno and Portugese but you couldn’t respond
because I used languages other than yours. Sister Kike, please come. Sister
Marie, what is it? Sister Kofo, what is your name? Sister Rita, what do you
want to do today? Sister Comfort, thank you. Who still does not understand? We
all do because we all speak English Language and I spoke just that to you now.
No
matter how many languages we speak, we have one language we consider our
primary language and others are our secondary languages. Even though I speak
English fluently, my primary language is Yoruba so there’s usually an immediate
attraction when you walk by me in a mall with a smile and say “E nle ma”.
Because you have spoken my primary language, I light up immediately and respond
in a way that meets your approval. Just as we have different languages, there
are also different love languages. This brings me to my next question:
What is your primary love
language?
What is your husband’s primary
love language?
Do you speak the same primary
love language as your husband?
For
me a wet towel spells I love you but for my husband a dry towel spells I love
you. That obviously means we don’t speak the same love language so if care is not
taken we will end up hurting each other simply because what makes me feel loved
makes him feel unloved. Before we go into that, let’s look at how The Almighty
spoke His love to us.
John
3:16 “For God so loved the world…” Romans 5:8, “But God commendeth [demonstrated] his love toward
us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” So, what love language
did Jesus speak to us in giving us His son?
How did God act his love? By
sending his son to serve us
What did God give? He gave us a
priceless gift
Did we feel his love? His
touched us, we felt it because his spirit lives with us
How did He affirm His love? He
affirmed his love by stating it in His Word
What is the value? He gave us
quality, his first born
Let’s quickly look at why women marry. Women
marry for three different reasons:
God’s Will – This means you may not
even love the guy but you said yes because you heard God or because you
decided to listen to someone who claim to have heard God. Though this is
referred to as perfect will, it may not start out as being perfect.
Permissive Will – This means God may
not be happy but because it is permitted, either because you are pregnant
for him, your parents believe he is right for you, you have been dating
him for long, he has proven that he loves you beyond all reasonable doubt;
you go ahead and sign up.
Self Will – This means that even
though every other person may not accept your choice, you believe this is
right for you and you go straight ahead.
No matter what the situation is, I want
to assure you that if God saw you to it, He is able to see you through it. So,
that it was not God’s will or your parents will should not be reason to sign
into misery. Genesis 1:28 say “And God blessed them.” And Proverbs 18:22 say,
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord”.
How many favoured women are here today? You are favoured because you were found
by a man.
What does cars run on? Every car runs on
fuel. No matter how you got into marriage, there is only one thing that can
keep your marriage running. There is a tagline that says America runs on Dunkin
but guess what marriage runs on? (Wait for answers) Love. This brings me to my
next question:
What happened to the love you had
before marriage after marriage?
Is your love tank full, low, empty
or drained?
Because God so loved the world, he gave. So if
Omolola so loved Adebola she has to give something and keep giving. But how can
she keep giving without experiencing burn out? This leads us to the next
question:
Why do women experience burn out?
Why don’t we experience burn out in
our love relationship with God?
Our
love relationship with God is mutually exclusive and mutually beneficial. The
relationship is strictly between two people. God loves the world but He died for
me and I recognize Him as my personal savior. I never try to do God’s job like
deciding to manufacture my own air so I can run on my own oxygen. In like
manner, God let me do my part, which is returning His love in the form of
worship and trying in no way to share His glory. He is the boss and I recognize
that. The relationship runs on love and respect. But to get more I must
continue to learn better ways to worship Him, communicate with Him and
celebrate Him.
How
frustrating would it be if God understands only French and we decide to speak
German, Swahili or Ibibio to him? But that is God; He is All-Knowing. Unlike
God, our men have a primary love language and for effective communication we
must speak to them not in our own primary language but in theirs. If I speak to
Sister Marie in Yoruba, she will start out being confused, then frustrated,
then angry; she may end up walking out on me. That is what happens when we
continue to speak to our men in the love language they do not understand.
I
speak Eno but if I decide to speak it to my husband I will succeed in
frustrating him. Let me paint a scenario that happened during our quiet time. I
mentioned to you that my primary language is Yoruba and I assumed before
marriage that this is my husband’s primary language. Imagine my shock when I
decided to pray in Yoruba and my husband waited till the end of the long prayer
to say Amen, instead of Amin. I love it, I speak it and because he is a Yoruba
man I expect that this should be his primary love language but if it is not,
should I compel him to speak because I speak or should I out of love, speak to
him in his own primary language?
Today
most Bibles are written in English but if Jesus spoke English to the Jews, He
may never have been able to communicate the gospel.
To
communicate your gospel of love according to Ihuoma, you must speak not
Ihuoma’s love language but Victor’s love language. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians
9:20-22, “And unto the Jews
I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law,
as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; To them that
are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the
law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak became
I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I
might by all means save some.
Can someone tell us the different kinds of
petrol or gas that different types of cars run on? (Leaded, Unleaded,
Regular)
Can
Toyota run on kerosene?
How
can you best learn the petrol or gas your vehicle runs on?
As we have
discussed, marriages run on love but you must understand the kind of love your
man runs on. Which takes us to the 5 love languages by Jay Adams. These
languages unlike regular languages speak to what your man needs. Some men who
normally don’t like to wear Ankara and all that, now that we are in the USA,
they try to wear it, to remain in touch with culture. When a man does not get
his love language need met at home, he goes in search of someone who
understands and can speak his language which explains why a man can have a
woman with whom he just wants to sit and talk. He desires to spend time with
his woman but she never has time so he develops a friendship through which his
need is met. Unfortunately the woman’s need may be gifts so he showers her with
this in exchange for her fulfilling his love need.
God wants us to
bring gifts to his house, pay tithe, fellowship with others, separate ourselves
from sin but His primary desire His the need that drove Him to create us which
is worship. God wants many things from us but these things become unacceptable
when we don’t give Him worship. God will keep calling out to you for worship
but when you become adamant, He will leave. In like manner, your man’s language
stem from the desire that drove him to marry you but be mindful, because he is
human, his language may change with the environment.
Please see 5 Love Languages (Part 2) for the concluding transcript. God bless you.
