Love After Wedding

Courtship has become a period where couples rehearse written scripts in front of an inattentive audience. But on the real stage called marriage, the script is not pre-written; your response is largely dependent on the other person and the audience – families and friends, are focused on seeing to it that you keep the rules. I remember someone saying that if truly love is blind, then marriage is an eye opener. God’s perfect plan did not include dating because the concept of dating is mainly to “see”, “practice”, “check out” whether this person will match me. But where people enter into courtship solely based on God’s will every courtship should be focused on knowing more about the other person in other to make the union work. If marriage had been in-dissolvable as God meant it to be, more and more couples will commit time and energy to making things work.  

                                    

As a minister and relationship coach, I always make it clear to couples that once they establish that their coming together is according to God’s will then there is no mountain that would be too high for them to climb. I encourage couples in courtship to see just one goal – happiness in marriage. And where they are both focused on and committed to that goal, they can and will be happy. Unfortunately the world teaches that dating and courtship is the time to test compatibility. But the more people follow the way of the world, the more the rate of divorce skyrocket even amongst believers which is why we see Bishops and Pastors get entangled in divorce, once, twice, even thrice; things that should not be named among believers! One thing I established clearly before marrying my husband was that this was God’s will for me. So when I began to see things I did not expect, I decided that though not having all the information means I did not make an informed consent, the fact that it is God’s will means that God saw it and saw no reason to pull me out. I then concluded that if God brought me to it, He can and will carry me through it.

Though many are wary of marrying across cultures, but thousands continue to marry unknowingly across cultures especially as a result of transmigration and westernisation. Take for instance my husband and me, though from the same home country and tribe, I found out to my shock few weeks into our marriage that he has become more of an American having lived in the USA for over 20 years! Of course the natural thing to have done would have been to fly off; after all this is not who I meant to marry. But knowing that this was God’s will gave me just one way out, like the foetus in the womb; and no turning back. That way led of course back to God who led me to what Gary Chapman laid out in 5 Love Languages (2004). I began to learn about my husband and how he wanted to be loved, touched, served, appreciated and affirmed. When we take up employment, in addition to whatever professional training we may have had, we have to be trained in the in-house culture of the organisation but we don’t do this in marriage; we just assume that he or she is a believer and we place an expectation on him/her. 

I had begun to sink until God led me to look to Him who is the author and finisher of my faith. My husband preferred face to face conversations and we had great communication in courtship. Though I am a media specialist, I preferred to write. Initially, I would write him a long mail but he would respond with just one line and I would begin to boil having read many meanings into his seemingly “thoughtless” response. One day I decided to spill out my annoyance and he explained that because his work is tied to the computer, he associates emails with work. It them dawned on me that though I loved writing and reading emails, for him it meant work. As I began to learn who he is and how he preferred to be related with; disappointment and confusion gave way to happiness and peace. There definitely would be fewer divorces if couples understood each other’s primary love language and culture.

After wedding, life will go on but having taken a new exit (you left Route SINGLE and took exit WEDDING towards MARRIAGE Highway), it would not be business as usual. You both have expectations but those expectations may not be met exactly the way you envisioned it. What do I mean? You may expect that he'll eat breakfast with you, drop and pick you from work, attend fellowship with you, eat dinner and then spend time chatting with you before you both head to bed or better still he carries you into bed and wrap you in love. Whao, how so sweet! But my dear, it may not be so. One of you would most likely change address, quit your job during which you may have to stay home while the other works. So there may be no dropping off or picking up and the one working may be rather tired to attend fellowship with you or too tired to even have dinner or chat with you. If you are both able to work, you may not have the same schedule; resumption or closing time, so one may have to give up the car (if you have one, regardless of who owns it) for the benefit of the person who needs it most. 

After the wedding day, you will discover the REAL person you married. Not because he or she was pretending but because you are now in each others comfort zone. Let me paint a scenario for you. During courtship, the man calls you when he is free or less busy, before calling he has made a decision to talk to you for 30 minutes or as long as phone credit permits. So when he calls, he is relaxed; he probably has planned to share a joke or two with you, so you laugh and feel his charm, endearment and excitement. Fast forward to the day after wedding; communication will no longer be planned, everything becomes impromptu. If you have both become broke as a result of the wedding; expect edginess with regards to money. If she has had a bad day, don't expect a peck if she manages to say hello... During courtship, when you serve him salty food, he probably would say, "That's okay dear" but after saying goodbye, he can induce vomitting and enter the next available restuarant to eat a meal of his choice. In marriage, it will not be okay because that may be his only meal for the day. Perhaps she has fallen asleep on your couch during a couple of visits, but all you noticed is her prettiness and calmness; mind you this is seldom a deep sleep, only a nap. But on wedding night as you spend your first official night together you begin to wonder where that loud noice is coming from and low and behold it's your pretty woman roaring in her sleep, "OMG! She snores!". Yes she does, most tired people and those whose air passageway is blocked do.

Loving someone is different from living with the person but marriage is loving and living under a covenant - sealed by blood or contract - sealed by the law (depending on your view of marriage). Now this is beyond convenience or commitment, it is required and backed by a consequence when not obeyed. Love may roll through romance but marriage moves through reality. If you can both learn the RAP (Responsibility, Adjustment, Perseverance) tango, the days after wedding will be enjoyable.

Brethren, some believe that love grows after wedding but others believe that love can only be maintained or sustained after wedding but what I know is that love after wedding will take a different path; for few slightly, for some averagely, for others drastically. Why? Previously you saw through a dim or modified glass, now you'd see clearly perhaps even through a binoculars. You may have imagined that she is a size 36B but in marriage you may find she is a 38D! Why? She probably would not discuss with you during courtship that she wears a girdle or (if the reverse) that she wears a padded bra to prop things up and give her clothing the right bobby fitting. You may have imagined sex will not be good because he has a small frame but he may turn out to be a stallion!

I can't tell you what love will serve you after wedding but I can assure you it will not be the wedding cake everyday! One key life saver is that you must position yourself to know his or her REAL love language, learn it and speak it. Finally, through it all, you must learn to depend on The Trinity - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit; with the three-in-one, you can successfully navigate the marital route.

If you are recently married, feel free to share something that is different in love after wedding.

Beware of Little Foxes

 

There are a number of “little foxes” a couple needs to watch out for while preparing for the wedding. The wedding is the bridge between courtship and marriage, if you have chosen to have a ceremony.  First let me point out that courtship is not a time when you find out whether the man or woman is God’s will or right for you; you enter into courtship, after making a decision that this is your man or woman. So, courtship is the time when you prepare for formalising or legalising your union. So when issues spring up, don’t take them as red flags to opt out but as little foxes that must be driven away or put to death so they do not destroy your fresh grapes. This message will be multi-part; feel free to post your comment and questions.

What the Bible says

Song of Songs 2:15: “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes” (KJV). “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (NIV). Most Old Testament scholars agree that the vineyards in this verse represent Solomon and the Shulammite's love. When we make the decision to get married and start planning for the wedding, everything appears perfect; there is love in our hearts and heads and smell of love all around us. But the moment we leave the planning stage and enter the action stage, we begin to see little foxes in our love yard. In the verse, the Shulammite warns Solomon of their presence. Usually the woman sees or spies the little foxes earlier but her approach and his matters. While seemingly harmless, little foxes can sneak through fences, and are capable of digging holes and passages that loosen the soil around the vines, preventing them from developing a stable root system. We can equate that root system to our emotions or love which is at the very foundational stage just before marriage; like blooming grapes, it is very tender.

What are they?

Foxes are proverbial symbols of destroyers, the little foxes symbolise problems, challenges etc which may start out as being minor but can grow to become the monster we blame the death of our love for, if we don’t catch, drive or put it to death.

The two most common foxes for those in courtship are gossips and arguments.

I met a lady who was really worried and wanted to cancel her wedding. Why? She reported that lately she started having heated arguments with her fiancé. I realised after a couple of questions that these arguments had to do with the wedding plan. One thing you must consider is that during the period of planning for wedding, there are so many pressures from here and there; presuures that put your emotion on the edge as you gear up to make this life changing decision. The pressures would make the woman and man vulnerable to attacks of different forms. Your ability to look up to God and maintain your balance will go a long way to aid your survival and give you a testimony as you face this reality test. If you have established, before entering the wedding planning stage, that this is your man or  woman, never return to that decision stage. The decision has been made to marry so the problem, not the person, should be dealth with. Don't ever call off your wedding; reschedule, postpone, but except you realise that your judgement about this being your man or woman was blurred or wrong, NEVER call off the courtship or wedding.

 

The devil knows that you have to survive the wedding to become married so he begins to throw darts in your way in an effort to make you lose focus or become upset and walk out on your dream. Let me start by saying that you need to know what you want, differentiate it from what you need and realize that you cannot satisfy everyone.

 

Little foxes can be anything and everything! Usually they appear as little problems or minor irritations but can ruin a relationship. Because they appear small, many ignore them but these little foxes are deadly because they attack the root of the vines i.e. relationships. They may come in form of arguments, comments, hearsay or gossip etc. “Are you sure you'd be happy with him?“ “Do you know that she was seeing someone else when she accepted your marriage proposal?” As simple as this last sentence is, it can lead a jealous man to cancel the wedding plans even before verifying the truth. But what I usually tell those I counsel is, what if the information came in after the wedding? My take has always been that if you have the assurance that this is your woman or man, then any information and every information should be used to strengthen, not destroy, your foundation. So you find out just before the wedding that your mate has a terminal disease and you go, “Well, if she didn’t tell me before, it means she is not trustworthy and if she is not thrustworthy why should I marry her!” Are you worthy of trust? My Bible in Isaiah 64:6 say, “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away”. Didn’t you say she is God’s will for you? So how did her willingness to hide a truth from you change God’s will?

 

 

But what if the issue is his age? You have vowed never to marry a younger person and when you met him, you asked for his age and he said 40 years old. You thought that was okay since you are 39, “At least he is a year older!” You exclaimed to your friend who are joking about marrying someone who looks younger. Then two weeks to the wedding as you were putting documents together for the court wedding, you saw his original birth certificate, he is actually 39 and few months younger and you flare up. “Why shouldn’t I! He lied to me?” When he asked how many men you had dated, did you not lie and then justify it in your heart by saying, “What is the point in saying 5 when he can use that as a reason not to marry me?”. But you also told your Pastor during counselling that he is God’s will because you had a dream where his name was written on the wall by God’s finger. So if God’s finger wrote the name, how come his age is now an issue.

 

Another Scenario: Everyone knows your fiancé as a medical doctor and you pride yourself in everyone calling him doctor this and doctor that but you've been wondering why he works in a laboratory when he can very well work in a clinic. But shortly before your wedding you found out that he actually went to medical school but he dropped out. So you become enraged and threatened to call off the wedding. You were in dilemma because you knew for sure that friends will laugh at you. You had told yourself that this is God’s man for me, you told your friends that you just love his level of intelligence and comportment, you told your mother how so gentle he is  and you told your father that he should just be happy that you found a man after his heart. So are you saying you were lying? Are you saying you fixed him into all those beautiful boxes because he has a humanly awarded title which unfortunately is false? 

 

So what are you saying?

 

I am not saying that I have accepted everything I never envisaged but was faced with during the wedding or came to me in marriage, NO. What I am saying is that you should accept the man as is. You know when you go and buy a "tokunbo" (used) car and you are about to pay for it, they'll tell you that it is, "Sold as is", meaning no guaranty! This legal term which is used to disclaim any implied warranties is applicable, though never clearly stated, in marriage. If you have accepted the man or woman as God’s will, then instead of walking out because of an ailment, disease, debt, attitude or character, you have to position yourself to take it to God in prayer and trust that since He gave you the man or woman, He will give you victory over whatever issue may sprung up to affect my happiness with the man. And you have to realise that in addition to prayers, you would have to develp skills to enable you solve the issue. To learn or develop skills you may need to speak to counsellors; the DC Host, Cordinators and Counsellors are only a message or phone call away. You must realise that, you do not win by letting go, you win by hanging on, not only to God's will (the man or woman) but to the God who willed and the resources He has blessed you with.

 

 

Other foxes?

Arguments are also little foxes and they will come up about anything and everything. Things like the type of wedding, clothes to wear, the reception venue, the person that should do the actual joining, where to be joined, the guest list, who to be on the programme, what to spend money on, who to pay for what etc can escalate into unresolvable arguments. In Part 2, I’ll give you some scenarios and then talk about how you can ensure that these little foxes, out to destroy your wedding plan and ensure you do not get married, are put to flight or better still to death.